Rising numbers of retired Britain folk are picking themselves up out of the armchair and placing themselves back into gainful employment. Commanding wages far below the bread line, and earning barely enough to buy a copy of the Daily Mail twice a week, blue-collar work is proving to be the option preferred to rotting away in the nursing home.

However, this sudden spike in the ‘waged aged’ isn’t good news for everyone. This week, Britain’s expansive immigrant population, encompassing hard-working family run newsagents and delicious curry-making coloureds, spoke out against the attack upon their livelihoods.

In language often associated with horned- helmet clad Viking invaders, one job seeking migrant worker claimed, ‘They come out of retirement, they steal our jobs, and worse still our women. Seriously, who do they think they are?’

Despite sitting on a BT pension scheme large enough to fund the lavish lifestyles of his three sons, men such as Christopher L. Benson – a former jack-and-master of all trades – has recently re-entered the working arena.

Mr Benson presently works as a deck hand for his son, Captain Nicholas M. Benson, co-founder of Benson Marine Ltd. He has been doing so for the past eighteen months. While some would accuse Mr Benson Snr. of undercutting the wages of those with families with seventeen mouths to feed for his own selfish gain, his employer, Captain Benson (the junior), sees it different, ‘I’m doing my bit to help the aged. Plus, the economic Armageddon has left us up shit creek without a spinnaker.’ And don’t forget, when it comes to commenting upon creeks and spinnakers, Captain Benson is amply qualified to comment. ‘We simply can’t afford to pay wages anymore,’ Junior added.

Looking past both valid sides o0f the argument, Cultsha went directly to the root of the story: Mr. Benson Snr. ‘Help the aged? Screw that bollocks; we don’t need charity. We’re helping ourselves’, he scoffed before turning back to his Terry Wogan autobiography and placing yet another Worthers Original into the mouth of his unwitting granddaughter.