Adolf Hitler was actually a six-o'clock-shadow-free girl, with parents quite clearly from Lancashire.

You just couldn’t write this sort of material.

Heath and Deborah Campbell, who funnily enough chose not to mention the family name of their own little Eichmann during the proceedings of said ’newsworthy’ event, were furious when their local baker in New Jersey refused to decorate a birthday cake with the name of their baby boy.
But ShopRite, in Holland Township, ignored the parents’ pleas after concluding that “Happy Birthday Adolf Hitler – you’ve got something to cheer about this time around” was an inappropriate use of icing sugar.

Adolf Hitler Campbell turned 3 this week and celebrated at a party with his/her (it’s hard to tell from the picture) younger sisters Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie (sic – apparently in tribute to Heinrich Himmler) and JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell. Wow. ‘Nowt as queer as folk.

If they’re planning another child I’d like to put foward Dave Speer-Hess-Goebbels Campbell as a possible choice.

His parents insisted that some of the toddler’s best friends were black, gay, disabled jews who definitely didn’t hold any left wing ideals. Mr Campbell, 35, trying very hard to not look like a complete cunt, said that about 12 people attended the birthday party on Sunday, including several children who were *shcok*horror* of mixed race. He failed.
“If we’re so racist, then why would I have them come into my home?” he asked. Because of the names of your children you fucking fascist, thought everyone in attendence.
A spokeswoman for ShopRite said that this was not the bakery department’s first run in with the Campbells – a similar request was denied two years ago when the shop also refused to daub swastikas on baked goods for the family. But apparently a “Death to the Spinski Men” pack of profita rolls was OK’d for litle Aryan Nation’s baptism, just last May.

“We reserve the right not to print anything on the cake that we deem to be inappropriate,” Karen Meleta said. “We considered this inappropriate.” Thank you Karen for labouring the point.

Mrs Campbell, 25, said she phoned in her order last week to the ShopRite, but when she told the bakery department she wanted her son’s name spelled out, she was told to talk to a supervisor, who denied the request. Adolf Hitler Snr wouldn’t have stood for this amount of buck-passing beauraucracy; No, sir.

The angry father, who was wearing a pair of black boots that he claimed were Second World War German artefacts, said: “They need to accept a name. A name’s a name. The kid isn’t going to grow up and do exactly what (Hitler) did” while clearly secretly hoping he might do one better.

He said he named his son after the leader of the Third Reich because he liked the name and because “no one else in the world would have that name.”

“Other kids get their cake,” he complained. “I get a hard time. It’s not fair to my children. How can a name be offensive?” Perhaps because it may cause upset and offense to at least 5 or so people?

Thank you to the hacks at The Times for their time well spent….