Archive for April, 2009
Terrifying Woman, Old, Has Great Voice
In a remarkable turn of events a popular television program has revealed that there is no correlation between a person’s appearance and their vocal abilities. A 47-year-old church volunteer from West Lothian has become an unlikely overnight singing sensation with millions watching her perform online. Susan Boyle, from Blackburn, stunned judges on ITV’s Britain’s Got [...]
Bo the Puptastic Premier Pooch
Forget about the economic crisis, millions of unemployed, the recent natural disasters around the world and the worst news of all – Jade Goody’s death… Obama has a new dog!!! “The First Puppy” (paws pause for “aaaahh’s”) has been officially inaugurated into the White kennel House. Barack Obama led his presidential campaign on the back [...]
Swedish Taxman makes Strippers bare all
The Swedish Tax Authority, Skatteverket, has announced that it is looking to chase the nation’s strippers and make them bare all in an attempt to crack-down on unpaid taxes. After estimating that the Swedish sex industry employs between 300 and 500 people, generating some 40 million Swedish Kronor, the tax man is looking to get his [...]
Nation Thanks the Bankers, and the Jesus for 4-Day-Bender
It’d be the step-mother of all understatements to say that the banks have taken a bit of bashing recently. They’ve been smeared with many things, most notably nearly sending our little island nation back into the dark ages – a time when civil liberties were a mere abstract construct; when we were all subjects of [...]
Bouncers to Be Used to Belittle School Children
It has been revealed at the National Union of Teachers conference in Cardiff that bouncers are being employed by schools in Britain to take classes when teachers are not available. The move, seen as a cost cutting measure to cover for teachers on sick leave, has left the public confused as to the benefit of [...]
Children’s Teeth Reflect the Decay of Modern Society
In a development of the type that makes one want to brush their teeth until they bleed to remove the dirty feeling of being British, a study to be published in the British Dental Journal has revealed that over 30,000 children are being admitted to hospital every year with dental problems. Hospitalisation for dental problems [...]
Tories Change Party Line: Children Should Not be Trusted
A couple of years ago David Cameron, leader of the Tory Party, uttered the infamous suggestion that the British population should ‘hug a hoody.’ In response to the general perception that children wearing hooded sweatshirts were more than likely to shank anyone over the age of 25 on sight, Cameron offered an alternate reaction to [...]
Saying “Yes” to Drugs Will Save the Country Billions
At some point or other we’ve all wondered into a house party only to see Michael Phelps slumped in a corner taking a ‘ripple’ on a so-called ‘bong’. In the same vein several of my peers have reliably informed me that on occasion their friends have tried to friend-pressure them into taking “one of the [...]
Berlusconi beach bungle
In what has undoubtedly been a distressing week for many Italians, it’s a good job that a man of Silvio Berlusconi’s self-inflated standing can step to the fore and save their slightly-fascist, crumbling nation. When a country endures a natural disaster, they look to a coherent, scholarly and strong godfather premier; how fortunate then that [...]
Tony Blair Tells Pope: You’re Wrong About Domino Pushing
Tony Blair has challenged the “entrenched” attitudes of the Pope on domino pushing, and argued that it is time for him to “rethink” his views. Speaking to the gay magazine Attitude, the former Prime Minister, himself now a Roman Catholic, said that he wanted to urge religious figures everywhere to reinterpret their religious texts to [...]
Entries (RSS)