Archive for May, 2009
US Government to Own Every American Car By the End of the Week
The US Government has announced plans today to buy up 72% of troubled car manufacturer General Motors, after the company sunk into what is expected to be the biggest bankruptcy by an American industrial company.
It is now expected that, having already purchased much of Chrysler, the US Government will continue it’s policy of hemoragghing money [...]
Tory MP To Repay ‘Slave Costs’
A Tory MP has agreed to repay £20,000 in tax and mortgage payments, much of which was claimed from public funds towards a slave dungeon in his home.
Sir John Butterfill said he was given incorrect advice about what he could claim for a section of his house, later sold for £1.2m, occupied by serveral illegal [...]
Burnley To Bring Patio-Furniture Related Violence to Premier League
Bars and restaurants all across England are being advised by local police forces to fasten down, with heavy duty bolts, any and all outdoor furniture they may not want hurled at people after Burnley were promoted to the Premier League yesterday.
Burnley, having beaten Sheffield United after the ridiculously named Wade Elliot scored in the thirteenth [...]
North Korea Prepped and Ready To Kill Us All
Mary, Jesus and Joseph, North Korea have nukes. More than one apparently. And with their inherent Napoleon complex, who knows what they’ll do with them.
To the dismay of the UN, an organisation whose primary backers have enough Nuclear weapons to destroy the universe 400 times over, North Korea yesterday carried out a powerful underground nuclear [...]
Newcastle Still Biggest Club in the World Claim Fans
Newcastle fans persisted in their claims that Newcastle F.C. was the “biggest club in the whole of the world” despite the fact that the club was relegated to the Coca-Cola Championship yesterday.
Fans who remain loyal to the leadership of Kevin Keegan, a man who bases his entire managerial career on his ability to rant and [...]
“Will the last person to leave the Commons please turn the lights off?”
LONDON – It’s official, there are no professional politicians left to run the country; zilch, zero, none. There is no Speaker of the House, no Justice Minister, no Transport Minister, no disgruntled backbencher, no Web-Cameron, no Gordon Broon, no nobody.
The ongoing expenses scandal has one-by-one engulfed MPs from all parties and from all ranks. Not [...]
Chlamydia Epidemic Amongst Under-16s ‘Worse than Swine Flu’
More than 200,000 British 15-year-olds (approximately 70%) were infected with chlamydia last year after having under-age, unsafe sex, round the back of the Tesco Metro on the highstreet.
The rise means that it is imperative that anyone approached by an under-16 remain out of reach of their of their infectious regions. If a teenage boys [...]
‘Essex Princess’ to Save Jaded British Economy
In life she was Chancellor Alistair Darling’s muse. In death she is Britain’s greatest stimulus package, and its last bastion of capitalist awesomeness. That’s right we’re talking about Jade ‘The Jade Goody’ Goody; the embodiment of all that is average good about our redundant island nation.
It takes a lot of ‘ifs’, but ‘if’ the U.K. [...]
Beckham Urged to Scruff Hair At Launch of World Cup Bid
Today marks the launch of England’s bid for the 2018 World Cup, and after the failed bid for the 2010 competition was blamed on English arrogance, David Beckham, the face of the bid, has been asked to look “slightly less like he could buy you with his eyes.”
During the previous bid for the 2010 World [...]
Co-Incidental Report Suggests Working Forever to Stave Off Going Mental
A new report that Government officials claim to have absolutely nothing to do with, claims that working continuously until you die can help people avoid the onset of dementia.
Dementia, the result of the breakdown of cells in the brain, and a completely natural aging process that often manifests itself in old men pushing children, and [...]
Entries (RSS)