Archive for June, 2009
Freddie Shepherd Offers £60 Million to Financially Piss On Mike Ashley
Freddie Shepherd has today announced a consortium bid from a group of Northern investors interested in pissing on the business grave of Mike Ashley, the current owner of Newcastle United.
According to reports Shepherd and his consortium have offered up to £60 million, the same price just paid for a single player in Christiano Ronaldo, for [...]
Met Office Warns British to Stay Inside as Sun Approaches
The Met Office has issued a Level 2 health warning today as the sun threatens to make an appearence on British soil. As temperatures are expected to exceed 30C, the British population has been warned to stay inside or risk sunburn, heatstroke and spontaneous combustion.
The Met office has warned that temperatures may rise up to [...]
Police Chase Good Times, Moonlight, Sunshine, Boogie in Jackson Case
Following the discovery of inconsistencies surrounding the death of Michael Jackson, police are said to be seeking good times, sunshine, moonlight and the boogie for questioning.
After reports suggested that Jackson was jacked up on morphine which may have been the cause of his fatal heart attack, it seems the investigation into his death has turned [...]
Jackson to Never-Land On A Stage/Witness Stand Near You Again
When Peter Pan was forced out of Neverland for being a little miscreant shit it was inevitable that over time he would grow up, morph into a man resembling Robin Williams for a short silver-screened period, before eventually keeling over and dying in mysterious circumstances.
Much in the same vein, the forced eviction of Michael Jackson from [...]
Beckham Looks On Like a Proud Father as ‘His’ USA Blossom Into Champions
David Beckham was last night said to be delighted after ‘his’ USA team beat Spain 2-0 in the Confederations Cup Semi-Final.
Beckham is said to have nodded and smiled throughout the game while quietly mumbling to himself “David Beckham’s red, white and blue stared and striped army.”
Beckham’s impact on the American game, having signed to the [...]
Equality and Human Rights Commission Investigates ‘Suspiciously Discriminatory’ Membership Policy
The Equality and Human Rights Commission is today threatening legal action over what they are claiming are “potential breaches” of race discrimination law by the British National Party. The commission has suggested that the ‘whites only’ policy of the BNP’s membership system might in some ways be ‘illegal.’
The Commission have suggested that by only allowing [...]
Vitamin D “the New Crack” Amongst British Youth
A new threat to the well-being of the British youth has emerged in the form of deadly Vitamin D. The group of fat-soluble prohormones, produced naturally in the skin when exposed to sunlight, is said to be leading to a rising death-toll amongst teenagers who are “addicted to tanning.”
The trend of ‘tanorexia’ is said to [...]
Employers Jump On InternSHIT Bandwagon As Unemployed Get Desperate
Smart employers everywhere are ingeniously playing on the fears of the vulnerable unemployed by offering the opportunity to work for nothing for up to six months doing all the bitch-work in the office that no-one else can be arsed to do.
As the unemployment rate in Britain hit a 12-year high of 2.26 million the pressure [...]
Facebook could help cleanse Africa of Catholicism ‘within weeks’
“The internets – fuck yeah; Facebook – fuck yeah; Social-networking – fuck yeah; Africa – fucked? well, yeah,” said Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, at his company’s AGM, held in California this week. For the most part he is right. But, thanks to his own do-gooding, he may just be wrong about Africa.
Let it not be [...]
Iranians to Smash-Up Country Until There is ‘Nothing Left to Rule’
The Iranian people have ingeniously decided to resolve the voting irregularities in the recent leadership election by destroying the country.
The people of Iran have taken to the streets and while starting out in a slow fashion by torching the nearest vehicle, have now begun systematically killing each because ‘if there are no people left to [...]
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