Archive for July, 2009
Charity Begins at Home (Office)
This week an uncharitable, high-ranking government official formulated a policy so bad they actually managed to tarnish one of the most giving words in the English language. That’s right, as a result of this grotesque drafting of policy – that involves junior tax collectors posing as bibbed charity workers out on the street – the [...]
MOD Insist Reducing Injured Soldiers Payments Will “Help Them Die With Honour”
The MOD have gone to court today to attempt to have compensation payments for two soldiers reduced to a level where they will be unable to look after themselves and ‘perish like the cannon fodder we always intended them to be.”
The Government is taking the two men to court in an attempt to halt any [...]
Alex Ferguson Furious At Arrogant Teams That Dare to Compete With Him
Alex Ferguson has launched an unprovoked and quite irrational attack on big-spending Manchester City whom he branded as a “lightweight boys team who i used to have come over to Old Trafford and shine the shit from my lads backside’s.”
Ferguson, in Asia to allow Park Ji Sung to excite the predominantly female teenage fanbase in [...]
Sven of Loxley to Make Sherwood Forest a National Park “Within 5 Years”
NOTTINGHAM – Sven Goran Eriksson has always been something of a polarizing so-and-so. To peoples of several nations he’s an international lampoon; to others he’s an archetypal figure in English folklore, and for all the right reasons.
Not to disappoint his divided followers, in a shock move this week Sven was unveiled in the lofty position of Director [...]
Pink Pound to Send House Prices in the North “All the way Beta”
It’s not rocket salad: If you look at enough combinations of variables, you’re bound to eventually find a correlation between two trends. It’s simple economic fact; correlation always equals causation, or something.
Here’s one to confuse Daily Mail readers: 18-months-ago a credulous group of graph and chart drawing types came to the conclusion that it was [...]
Chris Brown Apologises for Musical Assault
Chris Brown yesterday publicly apologised for assaulting the ears of the world with his music. In a two-minute video on his website, the R&B star said he “thought it was time that you heard directly from me that I am sorry”.
Brown, a distubingly short lady-beater and sub-par dancer whose fame has baffled celebrity experts, said [...]
Giant, European ‘Man of War’ to Govern the Peaceful, Little Europeans
Former British ‘leader amongst equals’ come global war guru, come well paid lecture-tour extraordinaire, is currently being lined up to become leader of the peoples of Europe - despite having previously described them as “small, insignificant, peace-mongering little shits from a hippie-drum-circle gene pool”.
Having successfully sabotaged ever-lasting happiness in the Middle East within just a matter of months, Tony “just call me Warlock” [...]
Northern Thieves Targeting “Weak in the Pussy” Premiership Youth Players
Thieves in the North of England, having been locked out of expensive footballer’s mansions who have hired expensive security firms to watch their houses, have turned to robbing the youth players of Premiership teams. The thieves are said to be targeting the child stars of elite teams such as Manchester United and Liverpool, as [...]
Early Sperm Gets The Bird: Teenage Geordie Gals Left Craving The Clone
Men in white coats with unrivalled smarts claim to have successfully cloned sperm, in what they say is both a world, and Newcastle first.
The news has been welcomed by lads and lasses in the North East where lack of teenage fertility has become a serious problem. The shocking statistics speak for themselves: not a solitary [...]
Human Plinth Statues ‘Thrilled’ To be Stared At For An Hour
Participants in a new scheme that allows regular people to stand on a large piece of concrete in a public area and be stared at like a circus act are claiming that the experience is not only thrilling, but fulfills their need to have undue attention paid to them.
The One & Other project in Trafalgar [...]
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