Archive for August, 2009
Channel 4 ‘Saddened’ That Big Brother May End Without Single Live Death
After Channel 4 today announced final series of the reality television show Big Brother, will be broadcast next year, executives admitted that they had become disillusioned with their inability to drive any of their contestants to either murder or suicide.
The decison comes as Big Brother’s viewing figures feel this year to under two million after [...]
World Sentenced to Five More Years of Chris Brown
The population of the world was left despairing yesterday after the mediocre R&B singer/mediocre R&B singer basher, Chris Brown, escaped a jail term for assaulting Rihanna.
After Brown was sentenced to just five years probation and 180 days of community service, people with ears everywhere were left ruing the decision to spare the 20 year old [...]
English Use Bat and Ball To Re-Establish Colonial Power
In what can only be described as a present-day reenactment of the British Empire’s brutalisation of the Southern Hemisphere, England yesterday sought to establish a platform on which to retake power in Australia, by embarrassing the country’s favourite sons in a game of cricket.
After the final Ashes test in which Australia were dismantled in a [...]
Swedish Lesbians Left ‘Absolutely Gagging’ For Swedish Man-Sperm
On the latter pages of any given Swedish national newspaper you may find a lonely uterus advert that reads a little like this: Blond, blue-eyed, suffragette-loving duo seek a male’s strongest swimmers for immediate insemination. Must be blond, blue-eyed, traditionally boring, ‘dreamy’ outdoorsy type.
According to some survey or other Sweden’s males are Europe’s damn finest [...]
Patients Warned to Avoid ‘Fat, Disease-Riddled Doctors’
Patients visiting hospitals in the UK have been warned to stay away from doctors and nurses after it was revealed that the average health worker carries at least four different life-threatening diseases.
Caution has also been advised when in the vicinity of hospital staff after it was suggested that morbidly obese NHS workers could at any [...]
Monkeys Could Probably Teach A-Levels Too, Survey Reveals
After a survey of sixth-form teachers revealed today that many believe the standard of A-Levels in England has fallen to a point where monkeys could take the exams, a further survey of the rest of the population claimed that everyone believes that monkeys could qualify as teachers.
According to the survey of sixth-form teachers, the requirements [...]
State Forces Rapper to Change Name after Court Room Conviction
American rapper C-Murder – real name Corey Miller – has had his legal name upgraded to B-Murder by the state of Louisiana Department of Justice following his conviction for second–degree murder, for the shooting of a teenager in New Orleans.
The 39-year-old Hipp-Hopp artist shot and killed 16-year-old Steven Thomas during a late-night brawl – in [...]
Shared Experience of Woman’s Rump Brings Bitter Enemies Closer Together
With all the seasonal familiarity of a good ol’ Christmas Pantomime in the West End, the controversy-laden pop music circus has rolled into town once again. But, what makes the industry’s latest hi-profile, low-interest spat unique is that it has a happy ending – even without the help of seven dwarfs, a girl’s lost slipper or an [...]
Unemployed Turn To Piracy As Recession Drives Surge in Sea Crimes
Britain faces a surge in piracy as the second wave of the recession and rising unemployment take a grip, the leading public sector watchdog warns today.
As it was revealed that the Arctic Sea UK cargo ship had become the victim of a suspected piracy attack in the Channel, experts are warning that many [...]
Inmates Looking Forward to Making Chris Brown’s Acquaintance
Inmates at the Californian penitentiary where Chris Brown is likely to be sent if he is found guilty of assaulting Rihanna, are said to be excited about the imminent arrival of a celebrity.
Chris Brown, who faces up to five years in prison following his arrest on the night of the Grammy Awards, has pleaded guilty [...]
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