Archive for September, 2009
Britain’s Dear Leader, The Sun, Decides on Leadership Change
The Sun, paramount ruler of the Democratic Republic of Britain, has today decided its first-in-command for the past two years, Gordon Brown, will be replaced. After two years of jelly-jowled miscreancy, Brown is expected to be relieved of his position after ‘dear leader’ The Sun, announced that it would no longer support his policies or [...]
Under-Fives to Be Sent to Jail As a ‘Warning’
The Government has revealed plans to force 3-5 year old children to spend a week in prison, in an attempt to stem what they claim is a rising tide of crime and violence from the pre-school demographic. The plan to expose under-fives to the the harsh reality of prison, comes after it was revealed this [...]
Dinner Lady Claims Elitist Conspiracy Behind Sacking
A dinner lady at an English secondary school has claimed a conspiracy that reaches the highest echelons of world governance is behind her recent sacking. Carol Hill, was sacked recently after telling parents of a bullied child about an incident that her school had attempted to cover up. After extensive research, and spiralling media interest, [...]
‘Can’t Eat: Won’t Eat’ – Channel 4′s Appetite To Offend
Surprise, surprise, Channel 4 is in trouble again. The idiot-box programme pioneers who brought us Big Brother, Hollyoaks and that show about the wide-eyed, red-bespectacled, twenty-something tying to make it in the City and ultimately regretting it (Hmmm), is set to incur the wrath of all sorts of watchdogs for its latest groundbreaking series [...]
PM To Fix Economy By Selling Illegal Immigrants
Prime Minister Gordon Brown has announced plans to aid the English economy by selling illegal immigrants. The first phase of his plan was completed today when, in conjunction with the French police, an immigrant camp in Calais was raided and several thousand potentially cheap and rights-less workers were seized. The new plans, catalysed by the [...]
Islam Mass-Producing Children in Battery Farms Claims Completely Sane African Priest
Archbishop Nicolas Okoh, who it is claimed has no problem with hallucinogens nor suffers from any kind of serious mental paranoia, suggested yesterday that Islam has been using chicken-style battery farms to clone and create large numbers of children to swamp the world with their religion, and steal the well earned money and power he [...]
Oggle.co.uk at These Lovely Browsers
According to the Office of National Statistics (ONS) the current number of websites listed under the dot co dot uk filing equates to eight point four two sites for every man, woman and 800m South African funny-lookin’ running type, in the Great Briton. And what is the most visited website I hear you ask? That’s [...]
Susan Boyle Shaves Eyebrows, Wows America
Susan Boyle, having spent the last three months recovering from the impact of becoming a worldwide joke sensation, has returned clean brow-shaven to wow America with a performance immediately proclaimed as “marginally better than when she had eyebrows of a thousand year-old wizard.” Boyle, who became an overnight celebrity after singing Les Miserables number I [...]
Lily Allen Demands Control of the Internet
Lily Allen has today demanded control of all personal usage of the Internet after claiming that most users are spending far too much time utilising the web productively when they should be on her Twitter page listening to her incontinent ramblings on subjects in which she is entirely unqualified. Allen suggested that the “freedom of [...]
Jobs Re-Organ-Sizes Apples
The re-appearance of Steve Jobs in the corporate public eye has caused a stir in the media when he returned to the Apple (mmmm… Apples) stage, after a year off recovering from pancreatic cancer and a liver transplant. Jobs, in his trademark jeans and black turtleneck, joked, “I’m vertical and I’m back,” at a press [...]
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