Archive for October, 2009
Want to Cure Your Stage 4 Metastatic Bowel Cancer? There’s an App for That
Apple has launched its latest application for the iPhone App Store, iChemotherapy, available now for 300 trillion Zimbabwe dollars (50p). The app controversially claims to cure cancer by intravenously delivering anti-neoplastic drugs directly from the device.
The new smart phone application follows on from previous offerings such as iCaramba, iAyecaptain and [...]
Gordon Ramsay’s Chin to Be Used to Scare Children
Gordon Ramsay has revealed that he underwent a cosmetic procedure in the U.S. last week, to iron out the ’smile lines’ on the lower part of his face. During his first television appearance since the surgery, Ramsay commented that the process “hurt like a someone shooting butter cream frosting directly into your japs-eye, but I’m trying to keep my [...]
Trolly-Dollies Fail to Keep Feet on the Ground
Fed up with earning a decent salary and visiting beautiful parts of the world that most of us have never even thought to Google street-map, in return for having to serve-up lukewarm macaroni cheese, and couple the odd seat-belt or two, 14,000 British Airways stewardess’ are taking immediate and completely necessary industrial action.
Coupled with the [...]
Playboy To Re-find His Bunny
A lot of things have been said about Jenson Button – most of them true, the rest of them, probably true. However, with the Formula One title now under his belt our very own Jenson can now go on to do whatever he pleases, while justifiably sticking two fingers up to his very harshest of [...]
BNP Expected to Talk Loudly, Throw Patio Furniture on Question Time
After much furore, attempted government intervention, David Cameron hair sweeps and threats by non-extremist, anti-racism campaigners to set fire to themselves outside of the BBC, the planned appearance of the BNP on Question Time is expected to go ahead tonight.
The nationalist party, known for its idealistic views on heritage, and complete ignorance of human genetic [...]
Google Behind Royal Mail Strike
In a cash-for-strikers scandal, it has been revealed today that the Royal Mail strike has been partly motivated by Google, in an attempt to move the whole of Britain’s mail network onto Google’s Gmail system.
Despite the appearance that the cash hungry, layabout employees of Royal Mail are simply striking for a couple of days off [...]
Daily Mail: Stephen Gately Died From Being In Boy-zone
Daily Mail has sensationally claimed today that Stephen Gately’s untimely death was caused by his membership of recently reformed 90s boyband Boyzone.
The paper suggested that Gately, who was recently found dead after a night out in Majorca, could not possibly have died from the causes outlined in his post-mortem, despite it being conducted by medical [...]
Beckham Qualifies for World Cup Despite Playing for England
David Beckham yesterday confirmed his place at the 2010 World Cup in South Africa after finishing top of his European qualifying group.
Beckham single handedly dismantled Belarus, in the final group game last night, despite only playing for 31 minutes and being surrounded by what Steve Bruce described as a “team of classless players, all of [...]
Britons Say Goodbye to Source of Light in the Sky
As the cold grasp of Winter takes hold of the country, the British population will be forced to get their Vitamin D from alternate sources from next week as the sun settles into Northern hemisphere-hibernation for the next 8-10 months.
Scientists are predicting that after an extended Summer, Britain is to be cast in 24 hour [...]
Rio Pickpockets Olympics; Lula Excited About Extra Change
After a hard-fought battle between President Obama and practically everyone else in Copenhagen, Denmark, the 2016 Olympic Games were awarded to Rio, heralding the first time the event will be held in a South American country.
Wealth, technology and infrastructure have been put on the backburner in hopes that Rio’s unrivaled ‘happiness’ will translate into a [...]
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