Archive for March, 2010
Damn It Feels Good To Be A Carbon-Neutral Gangster
A research paper recently published by the Department of Social Affairs has found that on a city-by-city basis London’s gangsters are the most carbon-friendly in the world. “Having a high carbon footprint is like putting the planet on death row just so that we can shamelessly enjoy our ‘last meal’ from it. It just isn’t [...]
Large Hadron Collider Creates ‘Mini Big Bang’, or ‘Bang’
The Large Hadron Collider (LHC), the particle accelerator at the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN), has succeeded in creating what reports are calling a “mini Big Bang”, also known as a “Bang”. The Bang occurred on Tuesday afternoon, when beams of protons collided at record speeds within the 17-mile long circular tunnel located underground [...]
Sven Goran Eriksson To Lead Ivory Coast Pirate Army
Having long departed from his position as a highly thought of football manager, Sven Goran Eriksson emerged this week as the mercenary captain of a band of pirates. The news represents an innovative, yet not entirely surprising move on the part of the mysteriously alluring, money-driven Swede. After losing his job at the helm of [...]
Oh Dear Darling! Nation Up In Arms After Chancellor Hikes Tax On Cider
In a combative response to Chancellor Alistair Darling’s tax hike on cider, announced in the government’s latest budget, Britain’s seminal ‘Scrumpy and Western’ band The Wurzels have helped form a lobbyist front to protect the interest of students, unemployed graduates and rather queer-looking West country folk, alike. A spokesyokel for The Wurzels told Cultsha, ‘this [...]
Darling Forces Britain To Holiday In Skegness
Britain is going to be taken to Skegness for its summer holiday this year, and not to the south of France as was previously hoped, Alastair Darling admitted yesterday. In his 2010 Budget announcement, the Chancellor said the fragile state of the British economy ruled out an expensive trip abroad for the third year in [...]
‘Friend Of Hard Men’ Danny Dyer To Receive OBE
Cultsha can reveal that pioneering documentary maker Daniel Dyer is to receive an Order of the British Empire (OBE) from Her Majesty the Queen. A leaked blueprint of the Queen’s birthday want list for 2010 reveals a recognition of Dyer’s work at the top, just above a new zirconium-plated kennel for the corgis. On June [...]
Party Leaders Race to Knock Up Wives
Prime minister Gordon Brown and Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg both abandoned their parliamentary business abruptly on Monday in order to race home and impregnate their wives. Their hasty decisions followed news that Samantha Cameron, wife of Conservative leader David Cameron, is expecting a child in September. Though the Camerons say the conception is not [...]
Obama Thrilled About Adopting Inescapable Doom of NHS
Barack Obama today hailed the inevitable adoption of healthcare reform within the United States, saying he was looking forward to a future in which the “welfare mentality led people to blame the State for their every woe.” Obama, talking about the Congressional vote on Sunday where it is expected that the Democrats will use their [...]
Lib Dems Woo Masturbator Vote
The Liberal Democrats claim to be on course to achieve an election upset after porn director Anna Arrowsmith was chosen as a parliamentary candidate for Gravesham, Kent, in an effort to lure millions of undecided masturbators. Arrowsmith, 38, whose directing credits under her professional pseudonym Anna Span include Hoxton Honey, Toy With Me and Play [...]
Capello Confident 22 English Players Will Survive Season
Despite a seemingly never-ending strew of players capitulating under the strains of a long season, Fabio Capello maintains that he will be able to find 22 English professional footballers to take to the World Cup in South Africa. After the news that Aaron Lennon remains in the Spurs mystery-injury room and David Beckham yesterday tearing [...]
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