Archive for April, 2010
Aliens Probably Just as Shit as Humans
Aliens are real and they probably want to throw patio furniture at you, according to physicist Stephen Hawking. In a new television documentary, Hawking claims that alien lifeforms are unlikely to want to lead the human race into a new technological dawn, and in fact probably enjoy setting fire to things and hitting animals. Science [...]
Nick Clegg Will Burn Your Cacti, Children
You stupid cunts, what have you done? That is the question being asked of the British public after opinion polls showed a massive surge of around 10 points in support of the Liberal Democrats’ election chances, on the back of Britain’s first ever televised prime ministerial debates. It fell to the right-wing press to bring [...]
Theorectical Buoyant Atlantic Bridge Project Given Go-Ahead
Gordon Brown has announced ambitious plans to build an underwater bridge between England and the USA after watching a television program that depicted the hypothetical possibilities of such a project. The concept, which is said to have almost no basis in reality, is seen by some sceptics as an attempt to financially cripple any rival [...]
We Are At War, With Icelandic Geo-Environmental Terrorists
‘Stock up on tinned food and roll out your Tridents,’ came the plea from the UK government in a televised broadcast to the British people this morning. The announcement comes following confirmation by Ministry of Defence (MoD) science bods that the ‘seemingly innocent’ cloud of volcanic detritus clogging up the UK airspace, was in fact a direct [...]
Fruit Won’t Save You, Study Finds
A major new scientific study of morbidity and mortality, covering millions of subjects from across the world, has found that you are definitely going to die, no matter how much fruit you eat. “Frankly, you’re screwed,” said Gerry Fitzpatrick, principal author of the study. “You can eat as much fruit and veg as you like, [...]
Even We Find Rowing A Boring Sport To Watch, Say Formula One Drivers
University rowing team chiefs are set to hold crisis talks this week after the sport came under a fresh wave of criticism following Saturday’s mundanely predictable annual boat race between University stalwart teams Oxford and Cambridge. In the most recent verbal assault upon the sport, some of the biggest names in Formula One sensationally told [...]
Dr Who Makes First Public Appearance Since Molestation Charges
The celebrity time traveller ‘Dr Who’ appeared on television screens across the nation on Saturday night, marking his first public appearance since admitting to a string of affairs with his female companions stretching back over 35 years. In front of a conference of hand-picked journalists from across the galaxy, the disgraced time-traveller admitted ‘I knew [...]
BNP Add to Political Weight with Murder Plot
The British National Party added considerable gusto to their hope of being taken seriously as a legitimate political party this weekend after a murderous coup was revealed In a tale as old as time a member of the political party threatened to kill the BNP leader, Nick Griffin, after he was investigated for allegedly trying [...]
Entries (RSS)