Here at Cultsha we understand the complexities of the world. We respect the legal system and the fact that if you own a theme park you are immune to the laws of mere mortals. We realise that if you can glide backwards using some kind of insane knee disjointing then you should never be put in jail. And most of all we get the people who have the power to lean sideways more than 40 degrees without falling over should be revered eternally no matter what kind of fucked up shit they get upto in the privacy of the suspiciously child orientated ranch.

But honestly why oh why would you want to go and see Michael Jackson in concert when his skin barely stays on his face and his arthritis appears to be so prevalent throughout his body that he is more often than not pictured in a wheelchair. Imagine you have paid the undoubtedly exorbitant ticket price that is intended to relieve Jackson’s ridiculous debt (his life is literally the reason for the current recession), and then once the wind fan kicks in during the break on Earth Song his body literally disintegrates like the dried corpse that he resembles. Worth the money. Well perhaps, but prolly not what these fans are looking for.

And so 350,00 people registered to see a man who Cultsha would be surprised to see make it as far as the end of March let alone survive 10 nights at the o2. What do these fans expect to see. Surely Jackson’s bones would literally shatter if he even attempted the moonwalk. His voice hasn’t been heard in over ten years by anyone outside of the Saudi royal family. He shat himself at the 2006 World Music Awards, held in London, and was unable to perform his smash hit Thriller and of his more entertaining recent endeavors he was seen wildly swinging his baby around on a balcony in a vain hope to rekindle the kind of enthusiasm his fans once had for him.

Maybe that’s it then. Maybe they are optimistically hoping for some kind of child themed juggling act, or possibly for Jackson to reveal the secrets of his skin upkeep, maybe they’re just hoping Bubbles and the albino snake will make an appearance or that Jackson will bring his rollercoaster along and let everyone have a ride. Well if they know something the rest of us don’t then they might just be in for the show of the decade. A kind of juvenile, animal-filled circus with a hint of vitiligo and the possibility of an onstage death

You know what fuck it. Where can we book tickets