In the wake of the heaviest rainfall the United Kingdom has ever seen, a survey conducted by the Environment Agency has revealed that 8 out of every 10 Cumbrians prefers living in their quiet little corner of the land while chest-deep in the wet stuff. After an incredible 27cm of rain fell in a matter of days in North-Western England, scores of rivers burst their banks, whole towns disappeared under water and millions of people gasped at their TV sets, before turning to their partner and commenting, ‘Oh, that new 2012 film looks dead good; we should go see it’.

However, despite the hysteria of the national media dramatising a little rain into some post-apocalyptic happening, human endeavor seems to have won the day. Embodying the ‘stay calm and carry on’ ethic of WW2 Britain, the post-material residents of Cumbria, no longer concerned with all their world possessions having floated away, have tried to look on the bright side. ‘It’s done wonders for the community’, claimed one resident of regional hub Carlisle. ‘It’s washed away all the hooded juveniles, crack-snuggling street-sleepers and all the non-swimmers in the neighborhood. It’s ‘brilliant.’

In fact, it seems the floodings have opened up Carlisle to a whole new world of opportunity. The city, which has long been accused of lacking any form of culture, interest, or reason to go there, has undergone a cultural maekover in the space of a week. The Cumbrian tourist board has been the first to act, dubbing Carlisle ‘the Venice of the North’, owing to its now watery streets and lucrative punting business. As the saying goes ‘out of every natural disaster comes a insensitive venture capitalist to make good out of others misery.’