It’s official, Tweeters are twice as likely to have a heart attack as people who have never Tweeted – so says the omniscient British Heart Foundation. In a damaging report upon the increasing popularity of the internet micro-blogging site, the BHF has said in no uncertain terms that non-Tweeters will live longer, befriend fewer creepy, paedophilic types, and are five times less likely to grow four ridiculous bespectacled eyes, like most Tweeters will undoubtedly do.

Following the publication of its 132-page report this week, the BHF has proven itself to be quite the proactive organisation, by recruiting the help of one self-confessed Tweeter - celebrity and man Stephen Fry. Fry is well known for his love of Tweeting and has championed its awesomeness on many occasions in the past. To be sure, the BHF no doubt approached Fry due to his ever-swelling band of followers on the site, which currently stands at a 900,000. To put that into some context, that’s 899,988 more than Jesus himself. So, mindful of his stature in the online arena, the BHF hatched an elaborate plan to enlist the help of the man himself to spearhead their new anti-Tweeting campaign, aimed at the young influential minds who may be seduced into joining the 18.2 million Twitterers currently residing in Britain today. The first part of the initiative of course involved Fry quitting Tweeting, which he duly did… only to start again on the very same day.

“I did what I could,” a coughing and spluttering Fry, dressed in his Tweeting jacket and slippers, informed us. “I’ve already cut down from 20 Tweets a day, to 5; I just can’t seem to kick the habit altogether though,” he added. Fry went on to say that he continues to be seduced by his favourite Twittering times of the day, which he liked to refer to as the ones that ‘hit the Tweet spot’. According to Fry these spots included: first thing in the morning, after a heavy carbohydrate-coma-inducing meal, and when socialising with liquid, and spirited chums Jack and Jim. The Roy Castle Anti-Tweeting Foundation (ATF) will not be amused.

Of the 300 who reportedly try Tweeting for the first time every day in the UK, around 298 of those (give or take a couple) are feral, young infants sporting Everton shirts. “It’s big and it’s clever” one such youth informed us shortly before jacking all of our respective wallets and impolitely asking if we had a light. What he wanted that for we’ll never know. Worryingly though, even larger numbers of the youth are thought to be tasting second-hand Tweeting – otherwise know as passive Tweeting.

If you’re looking for help to quit Tweeting, or if you’ve not yet told your mother that you started and don’t wish for her to find out, you can call the BHF support team on 1-800-NOBODY-LIKES-A-QUITTER