GREAT decision!

Harare – Joseph Msika, a senior member of Zimbabwe’s ruling ZANU-PF party, gave an exclusive interview with Cultsha this past weekend to explain what he described as a “cash-money-restless-bowels” crisis in the sub-Saharan country…

Given Zimbabwe’s skull-fuckingly-hyper inflation rates, estimated by Forbes to exceed 6.5*10^108 percent (or, for those who are as confused as Robert Mugabe is by scientific notation figures, 65,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000 %, not including the need to add a zero each time you blink while reading this article), Msika admitted that the country’s economy is “definitely tanking.”

“But the problem here is not our government,” Mr. Msika explained. “ZANU-PF represents the interests of all Zimbabweans. Given last summer’s election results (ed: ZANU-PF retained a seemingly permanent grasp on Parliament after abducting, imprisoning, and/or hacking to death every single member of every single opposition party), coupled with the sanctions we suffer at the hands of those white (British) devils, we have little choice but to print as much money as possible. This hasn’t exactly eliminated all of Zimbabwe’s problems, but as a result of our salt-the-motherfucking-Earth efforts, we are proud to say that two out of every three Zimbabweans are now multi-billionares.”

Obviously, simply printing money without adjusting other key factors of an economy most often leads to financial ruin. Thomas Friedman, New York Times columnist and winner of the 2008 Nobel Prize in Economics, called ZANU-PF’s economic procedures “…absolutely hysterical,” before continuing with the tautological: “…my eighteen month-old daughter would do a better job at running the show in Zimbabwe, and she still shits in diapers…”

And yet, the black cloud stalking Zimbabwe’s financial sector is merely the tip of the country’s titanic iceberg (which is the best pun/metaphor, or punaphor, since Mugabe’s “You’re gonna [sic] shit your pants” catch-phrase which, having been established last summer, has in truth turned out to be neither a pun nor a metaphor). The real elephant in the room, disregarding Zimbabwe’s actual elephant population, is the cholera epidemic that continues to anally assault the nation in ways unseen since Britain’s “Welcome to the Jungle” military campaign there in the late 1800s. As Friedman explains, “One would think, in a country chock-full of multi-billionares, that the streets would be paved with gold. That’s certainly the case in Zimbabwe, if by gold you mean human excrement and rotting toddler corpses” (ed: Cultsha hereby nominates Mr. Friedman for the 2009 Nobel Prize in Sensitivity).

When asked of the steps being taken by the ZANU-PF to combat the cholera crisis, Mr. Msika offered the following: “As hip-hop megastar 50 Cent would say, it’s high time we get rich or die tryin’. In the case of Zimbabwe, it’s going to be one or the other, know what I’m saying?”

We certainly do, Mr. Msika – such fantastic, selfless governance is precisely why Africa is so irreversibly fucked blessed!