It was New Year’s Eve 1492 and all through the house, nothing was stirring, except for Christopher Columbus readying himself to embark upon yet another voyage of discovery. All those years ago, Columbus did not know it yet but he was about to discover newfoundland – which was, of course, at that point still unfound. Fast forward 517 years and the great migration to North America continues, with increasing numbers of Britons gleaming with the ‘American Dream’ in their eyes emigrating to the U.S. In a modern day ‘gold rush’ over 1,200 Britons per annum are estimated to be shunning the land of their fathers, mothers, and Tom Huddlestone in favour of more prosperous climes. It’s a well known fact that the streets of London are paved with Gold but still it can’t compete; in America, the rivers are flowing with it.

In the knowledge that these ex-patriots are more-often-than-not reasonably well educated twenty somethings with ridiculously large student loans outstanding, not only is Britain set to suffer in an intellectual capacity, but it also means that the national debt is set to multiply threefold. One such Westward-migrating statistic is Nicholas P. Keetch, of Chiswick, West London. Mr. Keetch, who is well known for changing time zones more than your average LOST character, is departing for the States to live out his days earning as much as he can while doing as little as possible, and is likely to be successful in doing so.

The reaction to Keetch’s long-anticipated departure has been mixed. While some are devastated, others are said to be equally devastated. The immediate impact of Keetch’s exit is to be felt across London’s fast-growing Mexican food industry. The tastiest chain of them all, Chilango, told Cultsha that they’ve already made the relevant staff cuts to deal with the sudden drop in demand for their products. On a more human level, an unnamed colleague of the aforementioned deserter, commented: ‘I gave him ‘Grapes of Wrath’ for Christmas last year. I’m not sure if Steinbeck’s cautionary tale fell upon deaf ears, or whether he couldn’t be bothered to read it, but it’s certainly failed to have the desired effect.’

Defending his decision to burn his British passport in the midst of a street battle in East London upon his twenty-sixth birthday this year, Keetch cited the demise of Woolworths as his primary motivation for mutiny.

Like the rest of you, I myself am a man born and bred on this redundant little Island, and as a result I fail to see the trappings of the United States. So, this leads naturally to the question: what is the big deal? Well, America is often described as being like a MacBook. Shiny, nice to look at and likely to draw you in through the medium of hyper-consumerism. A recent report by the British consulate, based in Washington D.C., concluded that the U.S. offers individuals the one thing Britain shamelessly lacks: monetary appreciation of Internet props. ‘It’s basically currency on par with the Dollar,’ read the report. Another aspect of America’s appeal is presumed to be its size. Too big to print upon even a scaled-down map and with more States than there are countries in the world, it is regarded by many as the land of opportunity. In sum, nobody could ever cycle across it. In fact, they’d be stupid to even try.

Resigned to losing his colleague, the unnamed man commented: ‘Nick has been seduced by the same four things every Green Card-chasing Briton is lured by: massively tall women, burritos the size of small children, the Second Amendment and massively tall women.’ The source continued: ‘In truth, good luck to him. He’ll never do better. Neither will I. He should tie America down, bang a ring on her finger and live yankilee ever after.’

Mr. Keetch departs Britain on New Year’s Day, leaving us all to sit drooling over our keyboards staring aimlessly into the abyss.