Britain’s relations with Argentina fell to their lowest ebb in nearly three decades last night when Buenos Aires gave the go-ahead for the commencement of an offshore drilling program in the seabed around the Isle of Wight. Two rigs operating a mile offshore the disputed territory in the Solent waters have become the centre of a diplomatic battle, which the UN has warned may spill over into a renewed episode of argie-bargie between the two bitter rivals.

Amid an intensifying war of words, Argentine Prime Minister Cristina Fernandez de Kircher, echoing Thatcherite sentiment beneath a bronze, sexy cougar-like exterior, has warned Britain: ‘Defeat – I do not recognise the meaning of the word!’ Senorita Kircher added that her government would take ‘all measures necessary to preserve our rights in this small, vibrant and heavily Latino-populated Isle.’

While the two nations have enjoyed 28-years of relative peace since the conclusion of the first Isle of Wight war, the current conflict has prompted political analysts to draw comparisons with the Cuban Missile Crisis at the height of the Cold War. While no hostilities have as yet been reported, Britain has made its intent clear by dispatching the Royal Navy to create a blockade around the Isle. In a display of military might, the ships have been instructed to shout mildly-sectarian obscenities towards any Argentinian vessels sailing towards the Isle, without actually making direct contact. The Prime Minister Gordon Brown has also chipped in with his support for the operation, saying: ‘The whole episode really is quite ridiculous. I mean the island is half way across the world from them; they can’t possibly lay claim to it.’ But in fact, that is exactly what they have done.

Sounding like he was reading straight out of a Lonely Planet guide, Argentinian Foreign Minister Jorge Tiana outlined his nations interests in las isla de criatura (the Isle of Wight to you an I) in a speech before the UN Security Council this morning: ‘The island is famous worldwide for its warm climes, its warped use of a pan-European Spanish dialect and its passion for dancing the Yarmouth Tango. This is not something we wish to surrender.’

In Argentine culture, the Needles – an infamous rock and lighthouse formation found on the most western tip of the Isle of Wight – are as important to the people and their proud past as the Christ statue in Rio de Janiero is to the Brazilian people. And as Britain’s most southern outpost, the Isle represents an important strategic outpost,  should the Spanish Armada ever try to invade Britain again in the future.  For now though, it seems Britain will continue with its strategy of containment, a full-proof wartime strategy that has yet to let down Queen and country to-date.