In an attempt to take the shine off a return-home after a Friday night out, and the clandestine destruction of a quick trip to the bathroom with your Blackberry following a mandatory health and safety meeting, the British Government has only gone and banned “Extreme Porn”.

I mean, I’m not entirely sure what extreme porn is exactly but I’d hazard a guess it covers all manner of deviance ranging from cross-religious Catholic-Protestant hardcore romance flicks, anything involving Kylie Minogue, and perhaps what is better known in the world of European blue movies as the “gush”.

However, as way of compensation our fuckwit friends at Number 10 are offering, through the NHS, a bespoke porn service tailored to the fortunate citizens’ very request – as long as it doesn’t involve nudity, pets, girls, boys, or fisting in any way shape or form.

Upon questioning, an unnamed Government Minister professionally defended the new law stating: “to be prude is to be British; a legacy we ought to be defending.” Although on a personal level the same Labour Party, front-bench, dark eye-browed, grey-haired, hugely-unpopular-budget-announcing, hidden-identitied Minister expressed disillusionment at what he would now do on a Tuesday night as there “aren’t enough Edwina Currie types to go round.”