Following the breakup of his marriage to pop ‘star’ Cheryl, love rat Ashley Cole has acted swiftly to get his side of the story out first by announcing the release of his debut album ‘Fight For Your Right For Polygamy’. The Chelsea and England footballer, who separated from wife Cheryl as recently as last month, has been using his time injured on the sidelines to write, record and release his first musical project all within the space of three weeks.

Worried that the nation might think he’s ‘a bit of a dicksplash’ for cheating on formerly racist national treasure Cheryl, Ashley is reported to have been working around the clock to get the album together. ‘Ashley’s had more sessions in the recording studio than he has had sessions in hotel rooms over the last few weeks. And that’s saying something,’ laughed the player’s overtly patriarchal agent.

‘It’s fortunate for me that Cheryl’s refused the help of any ghostwriters on her upcoming album,’ commented Ashley. ‘Without them, it normally takes her weeks to rhyme a couple of lines, let alone write an entire song chorus.’ Cheryl meanwhile has told fans through the medium of the Girls Aloud website that she’s refused the help of a number of willing lyricists on her upcoming second album, as she wants the music ‘to come from her soul’. Critics, however, have pointed to her likely absence of soul as a sizeable stopping point in this process.

‘If she was smart, which she isn’t, she’d already be out there on the ‘I hate Ashley tour, but she’s not,’ commented Simon Cowell – a man clearly angered by his ‘artist’ demanding full creative control over her next release.

In stark contrast, Ashley’s album, which catalogues the troughs and troughs of the couple’s high-profile relationship, is being met with surprisingly rave reviews from music critics across the board. It seems that Cole’s dubstep remake of Led Zeppelin’s seminal track ‘Whole Lotta Love’ (featuring guest vocals from Chelsea and England team mate John Terry) has been a particular hit. In addition, the bonus track, ‘Three Times (With) A Lady’ is proving to be an early download sensation and is thought to have been the catalyst for Apple’s iTunes service crashing for 23 minutes last night.

In an exclusive interview with Cultsha, Ashley Cole commented that his album was ‘like a cross between garage and dubstep, but with a twist’. And what was that twist? ‘That it’s good,’ Ashley helpfully informed us.