The re-appearance of Steve Jobs in the corporate public eye has caused a stir in the media when he returned to the Apple (mmmm… Apples) stage, after a year off recovering from pancreatic cancer and a liver transplant.

Jobs, in his trademark jeans and black turtleneck, joked, “I’m vertical and I’m back,” at a press event in San Francisco to launch several new Apple (mmm… Pink Lady) products. “I now have the liver of a mid-20s person who died in a car crash and was forced generous enough to donate their organs”, he said wryly, before urging the audience to become organ donors.

Apple (mmm… Royal Gala) shares have risen steadily in the last year, since the company pushed peripheral manufacturers to create and launch new, more complicated and distracting, in-car ipod products.

Jobs didn’t dwell on the issue of his own health for very long. Minutes after the show kicked off, the Apple (mmm… Toffee) boss got down to business, jingling and flashing his fancy new, white ‘buy-me’s’ at the audience. The company has launched a range of new ipods with additional features such as pedometers, video cameras, heart rate monitors, organ evaluation software and a complete suite of diagnostic software to chart the quality and health of internal organs. Each ipod also now comes with a donor card laser-engraved on the back.

A heatwave grips the UK; “hotter than Sun” says The Sun, in a well-balanced, non-provocative headline. The government warns, “Keep off the grass”.  And, in a further, desperate attempt to prevent the sun-starved residents of this rain-drenched isle from heat-stroking to death, the government has employed a media campaign costing several pounds to tell us, “if you go in the sun, you’ll burn”.

 The MET office calls the current weather “extreme weather” – and by this I take it that everyday in the Australian outback/Middle-East/the majority Africa is freak weather. Surely their governments, like ours, are telling their inhabitants to stay out of the sun and if you absolutely have to, apply enough sun screen, drink plenty of water and seek shade before you die. The MET has classified this weather as a Level 3 heatwave alert (The highest is 4).

 The heat has got to ‘the filth’ too, with the police’s new money-maker, selling fresh German style “hot dogs” (too soon?).

 Have the mainstream media succeeded so well in dumbing us down that we are unable to accurately judge the severity of weather. Do we not know what will make us burn? Are we unable to judge thirst levels or notice if we are uncomfortably hot? Or, do we live in a molly-coddling nanny-state which is determined to leave us devoid of any personal independance, individual liberty or desire to exercise our own judgement.

 Either way, I feel nautious. Now I’m not saying it’s because I haven’t consumed any liquids since my morning lager, or my determination to absorb every last drop of glorious golden sun before it rains; it’s my right to frazzle in this dazzling solarific rarity, and I will uphold it with all the zeal of a policeman and his right to truncheon  hippies at G8!

Here’s to the sun and all it brings; heat stroke, dead dogs, wimbledon and park-life, to name but a few.

Canine In Chief

Forget about the economic crisis, millions of unemployed, the recent natural disasters around the world and the worst news of all – Jade Goody’s death… Obama has a new dog!!!

“The First Puppy” (paws pause for “aaaahh’s”) has been officially inaugurated into the White kennel House.

Barack Obama led his presidential campaign on the back of buying a puppy for his daughters if he won the elections, and if he can live up to that gargantuan promise, we here at Cultsha are confident he can live up to the rest. We are steadfast in our belief that he’s going to save the planet, not only blindfolded, but with one hand tied behind his back.

Obama’s going to reform the worlds financial systems, kick global warming’s ass, remove all nuclear weapons from the face of the planet, end world hunger and it’s still only Wednesday after a four day weekend. “He’s so dreamy” I hear you cry, Goddamned right he is and I sure as hell would!

Anyway, back to the important news: The First Puppy, named ‘Bo’, is a Portuguese water dog, and was a gift from Democratic Senator Edward Kennedy of Massachusetts.  The Senator said the puppy was a perfect choice for the Obama family as the dogs have a “can-do and hopeful spirit” and were smart, resilient, determined, optimistic and tireless.

Sounds like a presidential hopeful for the next elections.  Obama even said about Bo, “he’s got star quality”. The Commander in Chief should be careful not to put himself out of a job.

This adroit pet pooch has the media swooning, a presidential endorsement and has even brought a nation back from the brink.

Portugal’s fame has suffered a steady and lengthy slump since the mid 1700’s, but it’s back, baby, redesigned: sleeker and smoother for the 21 century and all by Bo, the First pup. Now that’s worth a “Bo’ Senetor Selecta!”

The Swedish Tax Authority, Skatteverket, has announced that it is looking to chase the nation’s strippers and make them bare all in an attempt to crack-down on unpaid taxes.

After estimating that the Swedish sex industry employs between 300 and 500 people, generating some 40 million Swedish Kronor, the tax man is looking to get his pound of flesh. ‘The Man’ estimates that 20 million Kronor - around half of the money these talented ladies generate per annum - is owed in tax revenue.

‘The Man’ has already identified around 200 people in this crack-down and is in the process of examining their assets in the hope of reaching the naked truth.

Baring all in a one-on-one interview, a stripper told Cultsha without a hint of irony, that the tax man was trying to take the clothes from her backs, and charging her for the pleasure of doing so.

Another Swedish lovely told Cultsha: “I’m getting so desperate”, and “We’re going to have a whip-round”. Cripes.

Getting abreast a grip a handle on top acquainted with the situation, Dag Hardyson, the Swedish Tax Authority’s national project leader – good work if you can get it – said: “We had to do some manual work as well. We identified the websites, then we visited the websites. We perved looked at the girls and then downloaded some clips their contact information and their pictures.”

“They are young girls; we can see from the photos.” He sleazed.

He went on to say that most of the girls were under the age of 25, were most likely unfamiliar with doing tax returns and that if they ever needed any help… nudge-nudge, wink-wink. Utter filth.

Investigators charged with surfing the web and making new visits to the sites every week found that the frequency of tax evasion was “an increasing problem.”And I suppose they’ll also be wanting to monitor the situation a little more closely?!

Howa you dooin

In what has undoubtedly been a distressing week for many Italians, it’s a good job that a man of Silvio Berlusconi’s self-inflated standing can step to the fore and save their slightly-fascist, crumbling nation.

When a country endures a natural disaster, they look to a coherent, scholarly and strong godfather premier; how fortunate then that the Italian  nation had their greasy-haired, sticky-fingered, media mogul – fresh from a public dressing down from Queen Elizabeth – such as Mr. Berlusconi.

Berlusconi, being in dire need of Imodium for his severe case of very public and unremitting verbal diarrhea, decided to reiterate this fact several times in a single German TV appearance. He showed his ample aptitude for ineptitude by likening the plight of his countrymen to holidaying folk upon a nice little camping holiday.

28,000 Italians were made homeless by the devastating earthquake that shook Abruzzo to its foundations, but Berlusconi sanguinely stated that the 17,000 refugees “should look on it as a camping weekend,” and has even advised them all to head down to the beach if barbecuing, making daisy chains and whatever else camping sorts do, becomes too much of a bore.

Berlusconi, being interested in the many reports of looting, announced he would create new legislation  to  help deal with the collateral of the disaster. Undoubtedly this will involve some elaborate ploy to fill his pockets with as much loot as he could get his sticky-little-hands upon, after all, the capo has to get his cut.

In light of the premier’s stance, up to 50 ‘clown therapists’ are being wheeled in to ride around on unicycles for the homeless,  and to squirt some water in oh-so-very-recently-orphaned children’s faces. “This is not funny business, this is actually very serious” one clown stated – ignorant to the fact that he has a massive fucking grin painted on his very slappable face.

Berlusconi called the natural disaster “fighting talka froma God” and if he was going to “puta down” like that then, “ita wasa ON beetch”. Berlusconi went on to issue a challenge to God’s ever-so-slightly-Hitlerite representative on earth, Pope Benedict XVI.

When interviewed regarding the upcoming fight, he said, “Whassa matta wiv you? Why you pulla vat face? Ahh shuttupa you face”. When questioned further regarding his stance on the pope he grabbed the interviewee’s dicataphone and said, “Doesa the pope shita ina the woods? No buta he’sa gonna bea buried there! Theresa gonna bea blacka smoke ina the Vatican Bitch”

The pope in a rare interview reminded Berlusconi that the majority of voters in Italy were Catholic. Berlusconi only had this self-parodying comment to twitter: “Oh-Oh-spaghettio”.

]]> http://cultsha.com/berlusconi-beach-bungle/feed/ 1 http://cultsha.com/chinese-throws-in-towel-re-opens-tibetan-tourism/ http://cultsha.com/chinese-throws-in-towel-re-opens-tibetan-tourism/#comments Mon, 06 Apr 2009 11:00:02 +0000 IP http://cultsha.com/?p=536

Move on! There's nothing to see here!

The People’s Republic of China has today reopened its border with Tibet , allowing tourists to re-enter the nationstate without nationstatehood status, after a two month cessation. China said the 61-day ban on tourism was  absolutely nothign whatsoever to do with several politically charged anniversaries, but definitely because they needed time to restock beach towels and sun beds following a glutony of German visiters over the previous few months, before closure.

Following reopening the first to arrive in Lhasa – once again -was a bus load of German tourists, with military precision in a pre-dawn raid, armed with beach towels and a steely resolve to claim a solarific stake. The 11 Germans swiftly displaced locals and claimed stakes. China estimates around 20 Tibetan causalities and more than two square miles now under German control.

China said it expects another 500 tourists to arrive over the coming month and has already commenced airlifting in deck chairs in an emergency replenishment scheme after the voracious German Sudeten-chair blitzkrieg. Chinese official, comrade Lei Ying Lo, said, “We’re in a province state of panic.”

Comrade Hu Sin Hai Ding, the commander in charge of the deck chair scheme said, “We’ve had our head in the sand. It’s time to get organized”.

China has maintained a heavy military presence in the area preventing foreign journalists and human rights groups access to many distressed and deck-chair-less tourists. The Chinese government claims the military presence is to help protect the indigenous population and tourists from German barbarism.

According to several separate reports, journalists called the Lhasa tourism bureau for a statement. A man who answered the telephone at the Lhasa tourism bureau said he had not heard the news about the visitors. We can reveal that the man in question is actually comrade Sum Ting Wong, the head of tourism in Tibet and the brother of Fouk Yu, China’s ambassador of Tibetan relations. They have remained unavailable for comment.

According to a very unreliable source, the Prime Minister Gordon Brown and former RBS Chairman Fred Goodwin are having a school yard fight later today.  Peter ‘Lord of the Dance’ Mandelson is already taking bets and offering odds of 5-3 in favour of Goodwin but is secretly covering his own prolapsed arse by spread betting on both of them so in the end, as always, he comes out the winner. “I’ll be alright whatever the outcome” sleazed Mandy.

The word’s out: Fisticuffs at 15.30, and already no one’s paying any attention in PM’s questions. Oh wait, no one does anyway. Notes are being passed round parliament and the word on the street (in the gentlemen’s clubs and tea houses) in the city is that Gopher might back down.

“I don’t know if I can take him, he just doesn’t give a fuck, I mean, £24.1bn and he didn’t even blink” was heard through the keyhole of the PM’s study. Brown has reportedly been advised to tape yellow pages to his body in case the unpredictable Goodwin attempts to get his stab on.

“He’s bigger than me and has a crazy look in his eye” Goodwin was heard saying earlier. His wife comforted him, saying it was only his glass eye. “But he’s Scottish,” cowered Shred, “They eat garlic-buttered babies for breakfast”.

Rifts are rife and people are taking sides; it’s getting ugly across the city as the mood changes. Brother against brother and father against son.

Everyone’s favourite white-light-bathed, halo-wearing, all-seeing, multi-pie-fingering, award-winning, uber-reporter Robert “Jizz breath” Peston, has joined Goodwin’s side. “He’s blind in his left eye and has a weak right knee from his rugby days” hissed “Jizz breath” into Shred’s ear.

And in the halls of Parliament you can now sense that the economic crisis has enveloped all semblence of reality. The numbers being too big, the losses too dramatic, and the despair so great that we are left with only physical violence as a means of maintaining our psychological control over the ever increasing disaster.

And as the chants of ‘Fight Fight Fight Fight Fight Fight Fight’ rise from the blood hungry mob of wealthy aristocrats and people born with pointless titles,  Cultsha is about to get the fuck out of dodge before it ends up like Cormac McCarthy’s ‘The Road.’

The Royal Bank of Scotland today released their financial results for the year, to an army of breath-bated traders, analysts, journos, employees and the ISA-account-trusting masses.

Unsurprisingly the wank bank reported a catastrophic loss so great – £24.1bn – that it actually surpasses the cumulative Gross Domestic Product of Africa 11 times over ($2.2bn for 52 countries in 2007, according to the World Bank).

In light of such ‘figures of doom’ why aren’t we dressing bankers like foxes and hunting them in 4×4’s round the city? Why haven’t we invaded Scotland? Why does capital punishment have to be confined to the French Revolution? Why don’t we start a banking apartheid? Not allowing them seats on the tube or the bus, or eat in the same restaurants as the rest of us trusting-people-who-we-have-never-met-before-with-our-life-savings folk.

Once-upon-a-time RBS was the world’s fifth largest bank, but now down in the doldrums it has some serious explaining to do, for not only these testes-punchingly painful results but also for the shit-stabbing fact that their previous cock-mongering CEO (Goodwin) was able to retire at 50 with a pension of £0.65m per year. 50?! £650,000?! I mean, what in God’s anus’ name is going on here? I guess ruining the fucking world does take it out of you! What a tit-headed arse-fondler!

Sorry for the profanity, but… well, actually no. This is exactly the time and the perfect reason for a bit of verbal diarrhoea. £24.1 fucking billion!!! Those cock-gobbling, anal-feltching, baby-punching cunt-slappers!

How did they manage such a gargantuan fuck-up?! They couldn’t have lost that much by money renting 1,000 buses, driving round every town, village and city on earth for a year, whilst throwing £50 notes from the top deck.

That kind of money could have solved world poverty, found a cure for aids, built Michael Barrymore a shiny new swimming pool, and perhaps even found the gene for stupid retard bankers while still leaving enough change for a jaunt to space and back for every man, woman, and child on earth. Even better, that kind of money could have bought all 6.71 billion of us a McDonalds happy meal, now seriously, how much better would we all feel after that?

The scariest part of this technological advance isn’t the fact that nothing is sacred or secret anymore, as the last bastion of privacy is now a mouse click on a monitor away, but the fact that if they can extract images then obviously the next logical step is to implant images directly into the brain.

Welcome to the matrix. Before you can say “Domo origato Mr Roboto”, the miniature-tree lovers have created robots, taught them self awareness, given them the ability to learn, given them the control over what we see and possibly think and will probably arm them to their mind controlling, emotionless metallic teeth too.