Germany has a long history of oppressing people. Just a reminder.

Stuttgart – In one of the most glaringly obvious examples of the cyclical nature of politics and populism, German authorities this week conducted “KrystallRock(t),” a large-scale raid on over 200 homes and businesses alleged to contain far-right, extremist music recordings.

Over 45,000 CDs were confiscated in the operation, which Stuttgart chief of police Dirk Goebbels lauded as “dee most successful state-sponsored (arteeestic) eugenics program een over a half-century.” Interestingly enough, the crackdown was hailed (yes, hailed) in large part by the accused, of whom the vast majority have never experienced the German government’s historical tendency to shatter windows and restrict freedoms of expression. As Günther von Reichstag, marketing director/Führer for White Pride Records, explained, “Vee did not see dis kahming, bat vee absolütely velkom dee idea dat dee Polizei ahr vunce again villing zu kondukt zemselves een such tradizional Germanic vays.”

White Pride Records, in particular, took a heavy hit: over 20,000 CDs, by Grammy-ignored bands such as Fifth Reich, Angel Eichmann, and I Love Luftwaffe, were confiscated by authorities. Von Reichstag initially expressed disappointment at his label being racially profiled, but he ultimately conceded that it is likely an aberration, given the usual political outcomes in Germany during – and immediately after – times of recession (see also: 1908-1914, 1929-1933). “In dee long rün, dee Commies and Türks veel pay for their theft of all dee beauteeful müsic dey steal today,” he explained, “but today vee müst smile and acknowledge dat dey have learned exactly what vee have always hoped dey vüd: like dee nationalismus Füssball side, dee Bundesrepublik müst alvays be attacking. Attack! Attack!”

Obviously, the targets of the German government have changed – a genocide, followed in close succession by a total defeat in a world war, usually does shake up the status quo a bit – but, as Chancellor/Führer Angela Merkel explains, “Vee vould go, was ist dee vurd, crazy? Ja, vee vould go crazy as a people und as a nation eef vee deed not alvays have peoples to blame für dee beegger eessues dat plague dee Bundesrepublik. Vee are fresh aut of Jüden, wheech eez dee fault of dee fahr-right. So now vee place dee problems of dee Reich on dee shoulders of dee fahr-right, even if jüst für a fleeting moment.”

The strategy of the German government may yet prove counterproductive: while the raid might have prevented a skinhead in, say, North West England from receiving his mail-order Anthrax for Asians album, it simultaneously made world news, and likely led thousands-upon-thousands more curious individuals to stream the music online. Unless, of course, this was precisely Germany’s plan all along…

Exclusive: Wentz's new look

Chicago – In a move that has stunned the ever-so-cock-fondlingly-vain world of Perez Hilton, TMZ, and the like, Fall Out Boy bassist/lyricist/all-things-”hipster Brooklyn”-entrepreneur Pete Wentz announced today that he has signed a two-year, 72-virgin deal with Hamas, the Palestinian terror juggernaut best known for getting itself and the people it purports to represent completely annihilated by the Israeli Army every two-to-three years.

Wentz’s decision comes amidst a large-scale transformation in the musician’s private life, having only knocked up Jessica Simpson’s talentless/soulless hack of a sister Ashlee a short twelve months ago.  Since squirting his (somehow fertile, despite wearing girl-jeans) fluids into the depths of Simpson’s autotuned loins, Wentz has become the principal owner of a trendy East Village nightclub, recorded a new self-flagellating album with his band, signed another half-dozen or so “flavor of the split-second”, keytar-featuring karaoke artists to his vanity record label, and blindly embraced every breath, whisper, wink, and lubricated, three-foot rectal dump offered by now-President Barack “give me the entire private sector or I’ll scream catastrophe” Obama.

Given his busy schedule, it is something of a surprise to learn that Wentz, who will be 30 in May, had the time and the energy to read – let alone grossly misinterpret – the Koran during this period of time.  Noting the musician’s proven ability to predict trends on the Billboard charts at least six months in advance, Wentz perhaps envisions a market ripe for post-Islamo-Fascist-emocore later in the year (which might similarly explain Hamas’ signings of former Decaydance acts Panic at the Wailing Wall, Cobras on an Infidel-Israeli Starship, Hey Monday is the Day of the Attack, The Hushed Sound after a Suicide Bombing, Four Year Jihad, Gym Class Mujahideen, and The Academy is…a Madrasah).

Certain similarities are undoubtedly shared in this, the most narcissistic and closeted homosexual of unions, particularly with respect to both parties suffering from deeper-than-Bosnian-mass-grave insecurity.  Additionally, Hamas and Wentz share a nostalgic penchant for suicide, whether botched (Wentz’s “Mom, where the FUCK is my .357 Magnum” Ativan overdose) or successful (members of Hamas in the presence of Israelis, Hamas’ general foreign policy undertakings).

Wentz joins an increasing number of internationally recognizable figureheads in Hamas, including actor Sean Penn, former US President Jimmy Carter, the editorial staff at the New York Times (excepting Thomas Friedman, who is a Jew, and David Brooks, who is rational), and the entire population of France.

A beacon of hope, worth a fair chunk of change, and not at all vain

Ashgabat - Gurbanguly Mälikgulyýewiç Berdimuhamedov, (the actual name of the) President of the Central Asian nation Turkmenistan, hailed United Nations condemnation of human rights practices in his country early Sunday as “long-overdue recognition of our national sport.”

Mr. Berdimuhammedov, a one-time dentist who rapidly ascended to power following the 2006 death of then-Turkmenbashi (”leader of all Turkmen”) Saparmurat Niyazov, has largely continued what he describes as the “uniquely Turkmen” nature of his predecessor’s policies. According to multiple sources, these policies included bans on video games, listening to car radios, performing opera and ballet, smoking in public, long hair on men, and even growing facial hair.

During his rule, Niyazov ordered the closure of all libraries outside the capital of Ashgabat in the belief that all Turkmen are illiterate. He reportedly also closed many hospitals outside of the capital, forced physicians to swear an oath to himself and the Ruhnama instead of swearing the Hippocratic Oath, and cut pensions to a third of the country’s elderly population. News anchors, both men and women, were prevented from wearing any sort of makeup after Niyazov discovered he was unable to tell the difference between them when the presenters wore it (ed: This entire paragraph is courtesy of Wikipedia; Incredibly, all of it is actually true).

When asked what he was planning to do about these funnier-than-Kim-Jong-Il policies, Mr. Berdimuhammedov shrugged, “I guess I’m just going to keep the ones that are currently in place, though I do see an increased need for a total ban on the internets, given the libellous content which spews like Zimbabwean sewage from websites such as bbc.co.uk and Cultsha.com” (ed: Thanks for the plug, Gurbanguly… Can we call you Gurby? No? Guly? No? Ok, we’ll stick with Mr. Berdimuhammedov).

GREAT decision!

Harare – Joseph Msika, a senior member of Zimbabwe’s ruling ZANU-PF party, gave an exclusive interview with Cultsha this past weekend to explain what he described as a “cash-money-restless-bowels” crisis in the sub-Saharan country…

Given Zimbabwe’s skull-fuckingly-hyper inflation rates, estimated by Forbes to exceed 6.5*10^108 percent (or, for those who are as confused as Robert Mugabe is by scientific notation figures, 65,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000 %, not including the need to add a zero each time you blink while reading this article), Msika admitted that the country’s economy is “definitely tanking.”

“But the problem here is not our government,” Mr. Msika explained. “ZANU-PF represents the interests of all Zimbabweans. Given last summer’s election results (ed: ZANU-PF retained a seemingly permanent grasp on Parliament after abducting, imprisoning, and/or hacking to death every single member of every single opposition party), coupled with the sanctions we suffer at the hands of those white (British) devils, we have little choice but to print as much money as possible. This hasn’t exactly eliminated all of Zimbabwe’s problems, but as a result of our salt-the-motherfucking-Earth efforts, we are proud to say that two out of every three Zimbabweans are now multi-billionares.”

Obviously, simply printing money without adjusting other key factors of an economy most often leads to financial ruin. Thomas Friedman, New York Times columnist and winner of the 2008 Nobel Prize in Economics, called ZANU-PF’s economic procedures “…absolutely hysterical,” before continuing with the tautological: “…my eighteen month-old daughter would do a better job at running the show in Zimbabwe, and she still shits in diapers…”

And yet, the black cloud stalking Zimbabwe’s financial sector is merely the tip of the country’s titanic iceberg (which is the best pun/metaphor, or punaphor, since Mugabe’s “You’re gonna [sic] shit your pants” catch-phrase which, having been established last summer, has in truth turned out to be neither a pun nor a metaphor). The real elephant in the room, disregarding Zimbabwe’s actual elephant population, is the cholera epidemic that continues to anally assault the nation in ways unseen since Britain’s “Welcome to the Jungle” military campaign there in the late 1800s. As Friedman explains, “One would think, in a country chock-full of multi-billionares, that the streets would be paved with gold. That’s certainly the case in Zimbabwe, if by gold you mean human excrement and rotting toddler corpses” (ed: Cultsha hereby nominates Mr. Friedman for the 2009 Nobel Prize in Sensitivity).

When asked of the steps being taken by the ZANU-PF to combat the cholera crisis, Mr. Msika offered the following: “As hip-hop megastar 50 Cent would say, it’s high time we get rich or die tryin’. In the case of Zimbabwe, it’s going to be one or the other, know what I’m saying?”

We certainly do, Mr. Msika – such fantastic, selfless governance is precisely why Africa is so irreversibly fucked blessed!

Mogadishu – UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon today unveiled plans to transform the Republic of Somalia into “a tourist attraction greater in scale, scope, and entertainment value than Disneyworld, Ibiza, and Bali combined.”

Deemed “the world’s most utterly failed state” by the Wall Street Journal, Somalia has long been embroiled in various bloody civil conflicts, with Mogadishu’s most recent running street battles resulting in a complete and total collapse of observable or functioning governance.

The first suggestions of transforming the country into a theme park were proposed following the box office success of the hilarious 2001 film “Black Hawk Down”, Mr. Ban explained. Yet in the wake of the world’s witnessing the incredible scenes of brazen piracy in the Gulf of Aden throughout 2008, Mr. Ban purposefully asserted that “The market has spoken, and we have been left with little choice but to provide an opportunity for others to discover this shit-box hidden gem.”

Advertised as “The Last Holiday of a Lifetime”, the failed-state-sized resort will charge its guests £300 for seven days and six nights, with half to be paid prior to arrival, and the other half to be paid if when the guest returns home.

Mr. Ban listed a number of attractions that are sure to lure the adventurous sort, such as “Atrocity Sunny Monday”, which “provides guests the chance to participate in their very own genocide cultural interactions alongside ethnic Ethiopians in the Somaliland region,” as well as “24 Hours of Hell Formula One’s Mogadishu Grand Prix”, a day-long ride through the capital city in which guests “are at the complete mercy of all sixty-seven of the city’s khat-chewing, rivaling warlords other competitors”. The latter, Mr. Ban explained, is not unlike Disney’s “Tower of Terror” in Orlando.

To culminate “The Last Holiday of a Lifetime”, guests will spend the final weekend of their lives experiencing the “completely one-of-a-kind” waters of the Gulf of Aden. As passengers on speedboats embarking from the Puntland region, the tourists will aid in the discovery, hijacking, and ransom negotiations of commercial freighters, all while hoping to avoid the lurking American and Indian destroyers which have understandably increased their patrols in the region will enjoy the calm seas and bright sunlight.

An extensive medical check will be required of potential guests, Mr. Ban explains, “…because the United Nations can not provide assurances of protection for anyone… Ever. No, really – our track record is worse than that of a copper mine in the Congo.” (ed: See also: Rwanda, 1994; Bosnia, 1995; the Sudan, 2003-)

Similar ventures for other nations are reportedly in the works. The Sudan, North Korea, Zimbabwe, and France are all being touted as possible Hells on Earth sequel parks, with the successor expected to be chosen this summer.

A memo outlining an imminent shift in United States strategy within the Afghanistan-Pakistan border region was leaked late Monday night from the office of US Secretary of Defense Robert Gates.

The report requests an immediate withdrawl of unmanned spy drones, as well as a complete pullout of all Allied ground forces in the area. Speaking on condition of anonymity, a senior State Department official confirmed early Tuesday morning that hooligan elements within the supporters’ ranks of London-based football club Millwall FC will replace all current NATO operatives in the border region by week’s end.

“So as not to unnecessarily imperil the brave men and women valiantly fighting the resurgent Taliban in and around the Khyber Pass, the United States Armed Forces have agreed, in principle, to momentarily yield their front-line responsibilities to roughly 2500 Englishmen known as the ‘Millwall Bushwackers’ (sic),” the official was quoted as saying. “We are hopeful that the Bushwackers, as a non-state entity, will be mistaken by local authorities for poorly dressed, obscenely intoxicated, and overtly fascist sheep herders as they first conduct a cross-border raid into Peshawar, then continue on through the remainder of the troublesome, tribally-governed province.”

The Bushwackers’ objectives are to be determined as the situation on the ground provides, though in a telephone conversation early Tuesday, Powers White, the delightfully named leader of the hooligan firm, offered what we believe to be a cider-and-cocaine-clouded glimpse into the strategy that his ’soldiers’ plan to execute.

“Right, then. Remember Cardiff City away back in ‘05, when we tore the fuckin’ roof off that shite ground and stabbed loads of Old Bill?” he started, “It’s gonna be like that, except instead of steaming into a bunch of sheep-shagging, Welsh-as-fuck tossers, this time we’re gifted a bunch of *unprintable racist term*. Like, real-fuckin’-life *unprintable racist term*! No police horses, no CCTV, no passport surrendering, none of the typical bollocks.

“What’s better, the Yanks are giving us real-as-fuck guns to shoot the *unprintable racist term* with, and have offered a written guarantee that we’ll ‘not be prosecuted for the events that transpire’,” White’s voice rising, “I don’t even know what the fuck that means, but the lads are going fucking mental about it – plus, we hear there’s loads of one-hundred per cent pure smack in the area.”

“I’m just overwhelmed, innit,” he conluded. “Guns, knives, CS gas, pool cues, drugs, the fuckin’ works… Me bitch Fantazious is all nervous like, ‘Wot if youz don’t come back then?’, so I gave her £200 and sent her to buy enough smack to forget I’m even gone – she’s fuckin’ lucky to have a bloke like me, innit?”

The conversation concluded abruptly when White was interrupted by a junior officer’s nervously excited shriek, “Inter-City Firm! Outside! Now!”, but as of press time it appears that none of the Bushwackers are familiar with the local Pashto dialect, nor, it seems, do they have any desire to learn even the most basic tenets of what an un-named youth yob described as “Balagalagadaka-no-fuckin’-clue-speak… Does it really fuckin’ matter? Right, Peshawar, same as fuckin’ Leeds, just a town full of *unprintable racist term*”