Following the breakup of his marriage to pop ’star’ Cheryl, love rat Ashley Cole has acted swiftly to get his side of the story out first by announcing the release of his debut album ‘Fight For Your Right For Polygamy’. The Chelsea and England footballer, who separated from wife Cheryl as recently as last month, has been using his time injured on the sidelines to write, record and release his first musical project all within the space of three weeks.

Worried that the nation might think he’s ‘a bit of a dicksplash’ for cheating on formerly racist national treasure Cheryl, Ashley is reported to have been working around the clock to get the album together. ‘Ashley’s had more sessions in the recording studio than he has had sessions in hotel rooms over the last few weeks. And that’s saying something,’ laughed the player’s overtly patriarchal agent.

‘It’s fortunate for me that Cheryl’s refused the help of any ghostwriters on her upcoming album,’ commented Ashley. ‘Without them, it normally takes her weeks to rhyme a couple of lines, let alone write an entire song chorus.’ Cheryl meanwhile has told fans through the medium of the Girls Aloud website that she’s refused the help of a number of willing lyricists on her upcoming second album, as she wants the music ‘to come from her soul’. Critics, however, have pointed to her likely absence of soul as a sizeable stopping point in this process.

‘If she was smart, which she isn’t, she’d already be out there on the ‘I hate Ashley tour, but she’s not,’ commented Simon Cowell – a man clearly angered by his ‘artist’ demanding full creative control over her next release.

In stark contrast, Ashley’s album, which catalogues the troughs and troughs of the couple’s high-profile relationship, is being met with surprisingly rave reviews from music critics across the board. It seems that Cole’s dubstep remake of Led Zeppelin’s seminal track ‘Whole Lotta Love’ (featuring guest vocals from Chelsea and England team mate John Terry) has been a particular hit. In addition, the bonus track, ‘Three Times (With) A Lady’ is proving to be an early download sensation and is thought to have been the catalyst for Apple’s iTunes service crashing for 23 minutes last night.

In an exclusive interview with Cultsha, Ashley Cole commented that his album was ‘like a cross between garage and dubstep, but with a twist’. And what was that twist? ‘That it’s good,’ Ashley helpfully informed us.

Former Labour Party leader Michael Foot was found dead at his north London home this morning in a passing from this world that suggests foul play may have been involved. Mr Foot, who was elected Labour leader back in 1980, succeeding Jim Callaghan, was discovered in the early hours of this morning on the floor of his drawing room in Hampstead, under a rather weighty pile of mint condition 1983 Labour Party manifestos.

The nature of Mr Foot’s sudden passing from this world has fuelled some debate amongst investigators, with the word ‘suicide’ being thrown around more often than it would be in association with the word ‘bomber’ at an Al-Qaeda training camp. Inside one copy of the numerous 138-page manifestos that covered his still, cold body, crime scene investigators found a message written in rather tiny handwriting between the lines of the printed text. The contents of Mr Foot’s last scribblings have not yet been revealed due to matters of ‘national interest’. However, the powers that be have publicly confirmed that the note did span each line of each page of the lengthy 1983 manifesto, which was once ironically dubbed ‘the longest suicide note in history’ by smart-arsed journalist types.

‘He’s never recovered from suffering defeat at the hands of Margaret Thatcher and the Conservative Party back in 1983,’ commented Mr Foot’s mourning grandson. ‘He’s been trying to discredit Thatcher as a shemale who kills badgers and eats babies ever since. But to little or no avail. God rest his soul.’

Mr Foot was among other things known for being ‘a bit of a wordsmith’, having trained and then worked as a London-based journalist for many years. However, despite penning numerous works of non-fiction which have been published without turning even a handful of literary heads, it seems the late MP, alike other noble figures, may have achieved in death what he failed to achieve in life – notoriety for his writing.

Prime Minister and incumbent Labour Party leader Gordon Brown led the tributes, describing Mr Foot as the political equivalent of Tony Blair: ‘lovely guy, but useless politician’.

Announcing his death in the House of Commons at the opening of Prime Minister’s Questions this lunchtime, Justice Secretary Jack Straw compared one speech he gave in 1980 to a ‘Mozart concerto’, adding that he was ‘held in very great affection by all those who had forgotten to register to vote in time for the 1983 General Election’.

Britain’s relations with Argentina fell to their lowest ebb in nearly three decades last night when Buenos Aires gave the go-ahead for the commencement of an offshore drilling program in the seabed around the Isle of Wight. Two rigs operating a mile offshore the disputed territory in the Solent waters have become the centre of a diplomatic battle, which the UN has warned may spill over into a renewed episode of argie-bargie between the two bitter rivals.

Amid an intensifying war of words, Argentine Prime Minister Cristina Fernandez de Kircher, echoing Thatcherite sentiment beneath a bronze, sexy cougar-like exterior, has wanted Britain: ‘Defeat – I do not recognise the meaning of the word!’ Senorita Kircher added that her government would take ‘all measures necessary to preserve our rights in this small, vibrant and heavily Latino-populated Isle.’

While the two nations have enjoyed 28-years of relative peace since the conclusion of the first Isle of Wight war, the current conflict has prompted political analysts to draw comparisons with the Cuban Missile Crisis at the height of the Cold War. While no hostilities have as yet been reported, Britain has made its intent clear by dispatching the Royal Navy to create a blockade around the Isle. In a display of military might, the ships have been instructed to shout mildly-sectarian obscenities towards any Argentinian vessels sailing towards the Isle, without actually making direct contact. The Prime Minister Gordon Brown has also chipped in with his support for the operation, saying: ‘The whole episode really is quite ridiculous. I mean the island is half way across the world from them; they can’t possibly lay claim to it.’ But in fact, that is exactly what they have done.

Sounding like he was reading straight out of a Lonely Planet guide, Argentinian Foreign Minister Jorge Tiana outlined his nations interests in las isla de criatura (the Isle of Wight to you an I) in a speech before the UN Security Council this morning: ‘The island is famous worldwide for its warm climes, its warped use of a pan-European Spanish dialect and its passion for dancing the Yarmouth Tango. This is not something we wish to surrender.’

In Argentine culture, the Needles – an infamous rock and lighthouse formation found on the most western tip of the Isle of Wight – are as important to the people and their proud past as the Christ statue in Rio de Janiero is to the Brazilian people. And as Britain’s most southern outpost, the Isle represents an important strategic outpost,  should the Spanish Armada ever try to invade Britain again in the future.  For now though, it seems Britain will continue with its strategy of containment, a full-proof wartime strategy that has yet to let down Queen and country to-date.

Despite the worst fears of Labour’s spin doctors, Prime Minister Gordon Brown’s now infamous temper and violent outbursts are proving to be a hit with voters who nostalgically remember the time when they were once the biggest bully in the playground. The small trickle of stories about Britain’s best paid civil servant and his volcanic tantrums have swelled into a tidal wave of reports in recent weeks. And Labour’s rating at the polls have benefited as result, moving to within just two percentage points of the Tories with the General Election fast approaching.

In what political analysts have dubbed the so-called ‘playground factor’, Labour have seen their poll ratings rise to the their highest level since ten minutes prior to when Tony Blair, guitar in hand, took to the stage of a school in front of swarms of news reporters nearly a decade ago.

In sharp contrast with Brown’s rising stock, incumbent Conservative leader David Cameron has been caught with egg on his face and his complacency surrounding who will become the next PM of Great Britain brutally exposed. Cameron, who recently denied that he has already begun forwarding his post onto 10 Downing Street in anticipation of his election to office in May, has now been voted as the man most Britons would most like to steal lunch money from, in a recent survey conducted by Cultsha.

Interestingly, Cameron attributes Labour’s recent popularity to Brown’s clever acting ability. ‘Trust me, Gordon is smarter than the looks. He’s realised that the average Briton is an alpha-male brute whose biological make-up is 20% water and 80% neanderthal man and is now tapping into this with great effect’, the leader of the opposition squawked as he took off his rather unbecoming ’I went to private school’ cap, throwing it onto the floor and stamping on it repeatedly. 

Not everyone agrees, however. Colleague and recipiant of numerous tirades from the PM, Peter Mandelson, believes that Brown’s temprament is altogether more authentic: ‘He’s got a mean streak a mile wide. Honestly, he’s madder than the crazy chap with the moustach out of ‘Trainspotting’ who throws pint glasses around pubs willy nilly.’ Enjoying the rare occasion of a journalist paying attention to him, ‘Mandy’ continued: ‘He’s the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered politican you’ll ever meet. He’s got huge, sharp teeth and he can leap over a man twice his height. Would you want to cross him?!

The key demographic Brown is thought to be now attracting includes the masses who love throwing patio furniture around public squares during the summer months in Mediterranean resorts, the many who sympathise with Alex Ferguson for throwing a boot at David Beckham, the several who advocate the return of capital punishment and the numerous who wished Alex Ferguson had hit David Beckham square-on in the face with said boot. By winning over this huge majority, Brown may find himself not being served with an eviction notice from his landlord come what May. 

Meanwhile however, the Labour party has confirmed that it is making internal enquiries into the 17 calls made to anti-bullying hotlines by desperate Labour MPs during Brown’s tenure to-date. According to the Internal Inquest Board, Gordon, among other things, stands accused of hitting a female intern over the head with a framed portrait of Margaret Thatcher, stapling Chancellor Alistair Darling’s left hand to a desk, throwing Parker pen ink cartridges over Harriet Harmon’s clean white blouse while backstage at last year’s party conference, flinging his trousers against a wall in an attempt to find his wallet during a cabinet meeting, and forcing Hazel Blears to tamper with the Conservative Party’s Wikipedia page against her better judgement.

Ugg boots slow down the evolution of the human race and leave wearers looking bow-legged to the point that their legs appear to be melting. These are the findings of a scientific study conducted by the Posture Foundation (PF) – maker of much more sensible-fitting shoes – who have been following around twelve separate Ugg wearers for the past twelve months. As a result of the year-long survey, the PF has called for Ugg boots to be taken off of Britain’s feet, with immediate effect. The reason: concern for the posture of future generations. ‘We simply can’t be having people dragging their feet along the floor all the time,’ a PF spokesperson commented. ‘It’s physically slowing down the evolution of the human race. But more importantly, it’s not very becoming.’

Ugg boots have been Australia’s most successful export since the Aussie-themed bar chain Walkabout first hit out shores. Originally worn by Aussie sheep shearers, who aren’t known for their sartorical thought, the boots have become increasingly popular in urban centres and living rooms across suburbia alike.

With most of the northern hemisphere enduring the longest cold snap since at least last winter, the call for the abolishing of Uggs by the PF is likely to be met with some hostility. However, amidst a backlash of ‘oh, but they’re just so warm for my feet’, the PF has found a friend. The call for Ugg-boot-banning has been backed by the Native American lobby in Whitehall. The Indians (feathered) have seen sales of their number one cash crop: moccasins, plummet over the last few years while sales of Uggs have shot north. A rather bitter “Warm Foot”, leader of the modern day Cherokee tribe (North London chapter), commented: ‘Moccasins are for real men; Uggs are for suburban wannabe cowboys who seldom leave the house if the temperature outside falls below 25 degrees centigrade.’

The indigenous leader went on to say that the media storm surrounding the call for banning Ugg boots is on par with – if not worse – the battle of little big foot, which his tribe fought bravely in all those years ago. The only difference now being, of course, is that the natives are fighting through democratic channels instead of with bows and arrows.

‘We’ve had a good run’ conceded a rather solemn looking Trevor Brooking, the Football Association’s head of football development when asked whether football was set to implode in 2010. ‘Everyone knew it would come to an end at some point; it’s just amazing that it has lasted as long as has,’ Brooking continued.

18-years after the foundation of the Premier League, 55-years since the first European Cup and 139-years since Wanderers first lifted the F.A. Cup back in 1872; Britain has fallen out of bed with its favourite bedfellow: football.

At the grass roots level the kids simply aren’t playing it anymore. In a recent report by the F.A., the nation’s governing body in the birthplace of the sport, concluded that today’s youth were in fact more interested in statutory rape, N-Dubz and happy-slapping than chasing a well-crafted piece of cowhide around a field for 90 minutes.

Football’s imminent demise came to the top of the news agenda last week when Manchester United F.C. issued a £500 million bond. So, what’s that all about then? Well basically, the world’s most famous club was buying debt. Prior to this, the only grouping in society stupid enough to buy debt were students. The Red Devils aside, students are also the only grouping in society stupid enough to continue to doing so.

At one unnamed Premiership club situated on the south coast, the financial situation has become so desperate that the playing staff are being forced to moonlight in blue collar jobs, to supplement their frequently delayed – and sometimes unpaid – wages.

‘The gaffer says it’s all part of his training regime, but I’m not so convinced,’ commented one player smart enough to smell that something is rotten in Denmark. ‘It’s affecting our performance on the field too. I’m always knackered on match days after having to get up at 4:30 in the A.M. to start my milk round out in suburbia,’ the player added.

Clearly one to wallow in his own sense of national pity, Brooking speculated that twelve months from now, everyone will have forgotten about football. ‘Come what January 2011, our ‘national sport’ will be Rugby. Or God forbid something worse, like sailing.’

But stop just a second. Maybe we’re all getting a little ahead of ourselves here. Perhaps the problem isn’t as serious as we first thought, maybe there’s still a way out. Wrong. It seems that in its highest tier, football is guilty of burying its head in the sand, and for far too long. Like Paul Scholes tracking back to tackle, bad times are upon us.

To help trim their wage bills on the last working day of every month, most Premier League chairmen have now been left with little option but to leave their players competing over a solitary Piñata, complete with wages kitty inside. ‘It adds an extra competitive element to the dressing room,’ commented one such Chairman.

During the month-long cold snap which has blighted every corner of the UK, freezing Britons in their millions have been turning to an alternative and cheaper fuel to help stoke sub-zero temperatures: DVD copies of Al Gore’s ‘An Inconvenient Truth’. Surplus, unsold Region-2 copies of the box-hit crash have become the kindling wood of choice for millions. Even seasoned climate change activists and ‘green’ sorts have been caught joining in on the act. ‘I’m well aware of the toxic impact of burning mass quantities of DVDs,’ commented one such campaigner. ‘But hey, I’ve resolved my internal conflict and am more than happy to think of myself as a fair-weathered climate change activist from here on out.’

With the majority of Britons lacking the foresight to save money at any point in their credit-driven lives, many have found themselves with pockets too shallow to pay their heating bills, purchase North Face gillets or even power a kettle for long enough to justify filling a hot-water bottle for the night. This has allowed cheaper alternative fuels, such as Gore’s DVD,to come into their own. Cheaper than traditional winter house-warming fuels, such as wood, coal, gasoline and Alistair Campbell’s latest diary, ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ can conveniently be found on the sale rack at any given high street store, priced somewhere in the region of 49p-99p. According to reports, each DVD will burn for upwards of 45 minutes (75 minutes if you include the bonus DVD of outtakes, at an additional cost of 20p), giving off much welcome heat, and slightly less welcome toxic fumes in the process.

Adopting the policy that organised fun is always the best fun, local councils up and down the land have been arranging mass bonfires burning box-upon-box of Gore’s masterpiece. Thankfully, such industrious spirit has not gone unrewarded. The public fires have helped elevate temperatures by a whole degree in most urban areas. ‘I’ve never been so happy to see a return to grey skies and beige temperatures; it’s a huge relief,’ commented one free-riding benefactor.

When informed that his lifetime’s work was being used as a fuel to heat up the earth’s atmosphere, the former next-President of the United States, remarked: ‘ I can’t deny that it hurts to see all the effort I’ve put in, going up in flames. But hell, if it’s keeping people warmer, then who am I to judge.’ Mr Gore continued: ‘Heck I’m starting to think I may be wrong anyway. I thought the planet was getting warmer, not colder. Who knew?!’

New Fox News ‘Political Analyst’ Sarah Palin, has been quick to gain political capital from the affair. Palin commented live on air last night that the situation could quite possibly only be more ironic if Mr Gore was actually caught melting a polar bear’s igloo with a portable fan heater, before pushing the bear into the water, where it would be forced to walk water for all eternity.

It was New Year’s Eve 1492 and all through the house, nothing was stirring, except for Christopher Columbus readying himself to embark upon yet another voyage of discovery. All those years ago, Columbus did not know it yet but he was about to discover newfoundland – which was, of course, at that point still unfound. Fast forward 517 years and the great migration to North America continues, with increasing numbers of Britons gleaming with the ‘American Dream’ in their eyes emigrating to the U.S. In a modern day ‘gold rush’ over 1,200 Britons per annum are estimated to be shunning the land of their fathers, mothers, and Tom Huddlestone in favour of more prosperous climes. It’s a well known fact that the streets of London are paved with Gold but still it can’t compete; in America, the rivers are flowing with it.

In the knowledge that these ex-patriots are more-often-than-not reasonably well educated twenty somethings with ridiculously large student loans outstanding, not only is Britain set to suffer in an intellectual capacity, but it also means that the national debt is set to multiply threefold. One such Westward-migrating statistic is Nicholas P. Keetch, of Chiswick, West London. Mr. Keetch, who is well known for changing time zones more than your average LOST character, is departing for the States to live out his days earning as much as he can while doing as little as possible, and is likely to be successful in doing so.

The reaction to Keetch’s long-anticipated departure has been mixed. While some are devastated, others are said to be equally devastated. The immediate impact of Keetch’s exit is to be felt across London’s fast-growing Mexican food industry. The tastiest chain of them all, Chilango, told Cultsha that they’ve already made the relevant staff cuts to deal with the sudden drop in demand for their products. On a more human level, an unnamed colleague of the aforementioned deserter, commented: ‘I gave him ‘Grapes of Wrath’ for Christmas last year. I’m not sure if Steinbeck’s cautionary tale fell upon deaf ears, or whether he couldn’t be bothered to read it, but it’s certainly failed to have the desired effect.’

Defending his decision to burn his British passport in the midst of a street battle in East London upon his twenty-sixth birthday this year, Keetch cited the demise of Woolworths as his primary motivation for mutiny.

Like the rest of you, I myself am a man born and bred on this redundant little Island, and as a result I fail to see the trappings of the United States. So, this leads naturally to the question: what is the big deal? Well, America is often described as being like a MacBook. Shiny, nice to look at and likely to draw you in through the medium of hyper-consumerism. A recent report by the British consulate, based in Washington D.C., concluded that the U.S. offers individuals the one thing Britain shamelessly lacks: monetary appreciation of Internet props. ‘It’s basically currency on par with the Dollar,’ read the report. Another aspect of America’s appeal is presumed to be its size. Too big to print upon even a scaled-down map and with more States than there are countries in the world, it is regarded by many as the land of opportunity. In sum, nobody could ever cycle across it. In fact, they’d be stupid to even try.

Resigned to losing his colleague, the unnamed man commented: ‘Nick has been seduced by the same four things every Green Card-chasing Briton is lured by: massively tall women, burritos the size of small children, the Second Amendment and massively tall women.’ The source continued: ‘In truth, good luck to him. He’ll never do better. Neither will I. He should tie America down, bang a ring on her finger and live yankilee ever after.’

Mr. Keetch departs Britain on New Year’s Day, leaving us all to sit drooling over our keyboards staring aimlessly into the abyss.

Ever since the recession first hit middle England, start-up companies have one-by-one been forced into closing their doors to customers. The Office of National Statistics (ONS) estimates that owing to budgetary constraints and overdue debt facilities, as many as 22% of small and medium-sized (SMe) companies have gone under.

The impact of this absence of finance is far reaching. On a human level, wage budgets have been shaved and staffing levels beaten down to an unrecognisable pulp of their former selves. Furthermore, traditional, law-abiding citizens acting somewhat beyond their means have been forced to turn to cheaper-than-immigrant level staffing to fill the labouring void. And it is retirement homes that are seeing the biggest recruitment drive.

Flying in the face of oh-so public attacks by the UK’s migrant worker population, these aforementioned employers protest their innocence. Captain Nicholas M. Benson, co-founder of Benson Marine Ltd, argued ‘I’m not employing my own father on the free for my own tax-evading self-interest; I’m doing it for the old fella.’ Captain Benson continued, ‘Like other entrepreneurs in my position, I’m helping keep OAPs off of the streets. ‘I can’t afford to pay him. But, he’s my father and there are elements of mutual understanding and trust involved. He knows that a Southern Comfort on the rocks is in it for him at the end of the day.’

A recent study conducted by the Department of Work and Pensions concluded that the facilities available for pensioners nowadays simply aren’t good enough. ‘All the miscreant OAPs need is a little responsibility back in their lives to bring them back under control,’ the report read. Against the demographic backdrop of an aging population, growing numbers of gangs of hooded pensioners left out in the cold by modern society have been rebelling. On any given night, swarms of the ‘enraged aged’ can be seen strolling the streets of any given village or seaside retirement resort.

Mr Christopher L. Benson (father of the aforementioned Captain), who has recently re-entered the working world, commented, ‘Working again is one way of gaining our self-worth and respect back. OAP is such a crippling acronym. It’s like telling us the same thing three times: Old, Aged, Pensioner.’

Although failing to intervene thus-far, the incumbent Labour government is expected to continue with its current stance that everyone over the age of 52 should be forced into retirement and shipped off to the Algarve where they can age gracefully with fellow sun-soaked ex-patriots and their ever-leathering skin.

Rising numbers of retired Britain folk are picking themselves up out of the armchair and placing themselves back into gainful employment. Commanding wages far below the bread line, and earning barely enough to buy a copy of the Daily Mail twice a week, blue-collar work is proving to be the option preferred to rotting away in the nursing home.

However, this sudden spike in the ‘waged aged’ isn’t good news for everyone. This week, Britain’s expansive immigrant population, encompassing hard-working family run newsagents and delicious curry-making coloureds, spoke out against the attack upon their livelihoods.

In language often associated with horned- helmet clad Viking invaders, one job seeking migrant worker claimed, ‘They come out of retirement, they steal our jobs, and worse still our women. Seriously, who do they think they are?’

Despite sitting on a BT pension scheme large enough to fund the lavish lifestyles of his three sons, men such as Christopher L. Benson – a former jack-and-master of all trades – has recently re-entered the working arena.

Mr Benson presently works as a deck hand for his son, Captain Nicholas M. Benson, co-founder of Benson Marine Ltd. He has been doing so for the past eighteen months. While some would accuse Mr Benson Snr. of undercutting the wages of those with families with seventeen mouths to feed for his own selfish gain, his employer, Captain Benson (the junior), sees it different, ‘I’m doing my bit to help the aged. Plus, the economic Armageddon has left us up shit creek without a spinnaker.’ And don’t forget, when it comes to commenting upon creeks and spinnakers, Captain Benson is amply qualified to comment. ‘We simply can’t afford to pay wages anymore,’ Junior added.

Looking past both valid sides o0f the argument, Cultsha went directly to the root of the story: Mr. Benson Snr. ‘Help the aged? Screw that bollocks; we don’t need charity. We’re helping ourselves’, he scoffed before turning back to his Terry Wogan autobiography and placing yet another Worthers Original into the mouth of his unwitting granddaughter.