David Beckham was last night said to be delighted after ‘his’ USA team beat Spain 2-0 in the Confederations Cup Semi-Final.

Beckham is said to have nodded and smiled throughout the game while quietly mumbling to himself “David Beckham’s red, white and blue stared and striped army.”

Beckham’s impact on the American game, having signed to the the Los Angeles Galaxy back in January of 2007, has to the layman, been minimal. So much so that he chose to pay his own wages and rental fee so that he could play at A.C. Milan this season instead of with his Californian paymasters. However it seems that Beckham planned his move as part of a ‘carrot and stick’ strategy, in the hope that his absence would make the (footballing) heart of the nation grow stronger.

After the game Beckham told waiting reporters, “I knew that by completely abandoning my American project in favour of furthering my own selfish goals, and retracting any promise i had made to MLS soccer, that i would spur the USA national side onto great success.”

“Everything that has happened in South Africa is down to me. Everything,” continued Beckham, “Without my decision to shit all over that 250 million dollar contract i have been wiping my arse with for the past two years, and go and get my bum sqeezed in the Italian football league for the Winter, the US team would never have had confidence to go out there and beat Spain.”