Today marks the launch of England’s bid for the 2018 World Cup, and after the failed bid for the 2010 competition was blamed on English arrogance, David Beckham, the face of the bid, has been asked to look “slightly less like he could buy you with his eyes.”

During the previous bid for the 2010 World Cup, certain powerful factions of FIFA, footballs world governing body, took offence to the suggestion that England hosting the competition would mean ‘football was coming home.’ Apparently completely factual information on the origin of the sport is not really acceptable material for a World Cup bid, and these factions showed their spite by giving the World Cup to a country lacking in any stadiums, a reasonable football heritage, a solid fan base, and a basic order of law; South Africa.

This time around, having lost over 600 billion pounds of taxpayers money during the last bid, the FA have learnt their lesson. While they have included the probably excessively attractive David Beckham in the bid launch, Wayne Rooney was also there to subtract from any perceived pretension. Lord Triesman, chairman of the Football Association and of the bid, said that Rooney’s inclusion was meant to show that the English were fallible, that we were neither perfect in appearance nor in action, and that FIFA should consider our bid on the basis that if left to our own devices we would all end up spending our time convincing Ricky Hatton he is a good fighter, whilst trying to shag the nearest gray haired prostitute.

Gordon Brown added his weight to the bid by saying “Mmmm football yes. Wonderful” whilst moving his arms in a gesture that suggested he was throwing a rugby ball, before being looked at sternly by Beckham.