Howa you dooin

In what has undoubtedly been a distressing week for many Italians, it’s a good job that a man of Silvio Berlusconi’s self-inflated standing can step to the fore and save their slightly-fascist, crumbling nation.

When a country endures a natural disaster, they look to a coherent, scholarly and strong godfather premier; how fortunate then that the Italian  nation had their greasy-haired, sticky-fingered, media mogul – fresh from a public dressing down from Queen Elizabeth – such as Mr. Berlusconi.

Berlusconi, being in dire need of Imodium for his severe case of very public and unremitting verbal diarrhea, decided to reiterate this fact several times in a single German TV appearance. He showed his ample aptitude for ineptitude by likening the plight of his countrymen to holidaying folk upon a nice little camping holiday.

28,000 Italians were made homeless by the devastating earthquake that shook Abruzzo to its foundations, but Berlusconi sanguinely stated that the 17,000 refugees “should look on it as a camping weekend,” and has even advised them all to head down to the beach if barbecuing, making daisy chains and whatever else camping sorts do, becomes too much of a bore.

Berlusconi, being interested in the many reports of looting, announced he would create new legislation  to  help deal with the collateral of the disaster. Undoubtedly this will involve some elaborate ploy to fill his pockets with as much loot as he could get his sticky-little-hands upon, after all, the capo has to get his cut.

In light of the premier’s stance, up to 50 ‘clown therapists’ are being wheeled in to ride around on unicycles for the homeless,  and to squirt some water in oh-so-very-recently-orphaned children’s faces. “This is not funny business, this is actually very serious” one clown stated – ignorant to the fact that he has a massive fucking grin painted on his very slappable face.

Berlusconi called the natural disaster “fighting talka froma God” and if he was going to “puta down” like that then, “ita wasa ON beetch”. Berlusconi went on to issue a challenge to God’s ever-so-slightly-Hitlerite representative on earth, Pope Benedict XVI.

When interviewed regarding the upcoming fight, he said, “Whassa matta wiv you? Why you pulla vat face? Ahh shuttupa you face”. When questioned further regarding his stance on the pope he grabbed the interviewee’s dicataphone and said, “Doesa the pope shita ina the woods? No buta he’sa gonna bea buried there! Theresa gonna bea blacka smoke ina the Vatican Bitch”

The pope in a rare interview reminded Berlusconi that the majority of voters in Italy were Catholic. Berlusconi only had this self-parodying comment to twitter: “Oh-Oh-spaghettio”.