It has been revealed at the National Union of Teachers conference in Cardiff that bouncers are being employed by schools in Britain to take classes when teachers are not available.

The move, seen as a cost cutting measure to cover for teachers on sick leave, has left the public confused as to the benefit of using meatheads, jacked up on HGH and redbull, in a classroom.

Andrew Baisley, a mathematics teacher at a secondary school in Camden, North London, told delegates at the conference that the hiring of the bouncers was about “crowd control. Basically we want them telling the kids that they can’t come to class with those shoes on, that if there names not down they’re not coming in, and if they keep asking they’ll get a slap in the mouth”

Adverts for classroom cover asked:

‘Do you have military or police experience? Have you worked as a bouncer? Have you ever thought seriously about hitting a child? Do you have truncheon available as well as a false sense of judgmental entitlement that is going unused? Then why not consider babysitting a class of angels for 22 grand a year. No teaching experience necessary. No seriously. None.’

The response to the ad has apparently been underwhelming. It is thought that the prospect of having to deal with a classroom of thirty to forty knife wielding children, upset at having to learn the difference between an apostrophe and a comma, is too much to bear.

Steve 38, from Nottingham, who had previously worked at clubs such as Glitteratti and Chavtorium, said he had tried out the post but left after two weeks. He told Cultsha that ‘I thought it would just be me pushing kids around all days, playing out a fantasy of empowerment over my peers that i’ve had ever since i was called ‘fatpants’ at school, but it turned out that dealing with so many kids without a crew of six-to-eight other bouncers to back me up was really difficult. Plus there wasn’t enough time for me to hang out with other men at the gym or get my daily full-body shave.’