Britain is ten times worse that your most dismal view of the country, the Tories have claimed. Despite facts to the contrary, The Conservative Party have released information, with no factual basis, that suggest the only cure for Britain is to set the entire place alight and watch as the evil burns.

A campaigning document entitled Labour’s Two Nations, released alongside a new poster campaign, has taken a leaf out the most effective propoganda by exaggerating everything awful in the country and suggesting that without extreme measures the china on the mantelpiece is more than likely to disappear into the staff’s underpants.

In the document the Tories assert that almost every girl attending a public school carries both chlamydia and a child, while claiming on the average day it is more likely that your face will be stabbed than not stabbed. In addition it is claimed that a significant rise in robberies means that you are more than likely to be missing something that you left the house with today.

Chris Grayling the Shadow Home Secretary who was recently rebuked for taking crime statistics out of context, said yesterday at the launch of the camapaign manifesto, “If one takes two sets of completely unrelated numbers, compiled using completely opposing methods over a thirty year period, it is clearly viable to suggest that at least half the people in this room will be murdered before the day is out.”

As a solution to the ever-rising tide of crime that the party claims will eventually turn the country into a scene from the alternate time-line in Back to the Future 2, the Tory manifesto outlines the reclamation of what they call ‘Broken Britain’ by “moving the poors to Burnley, setting the place alight and re-populating the Northern part of the island with clones made from the DNA of David Miliband and a thoroughbred racing horse.”