The British Home Office released statistic today that revealed knife point robberies have risen by 18% in the past year. Now, while 18% won’t seem a lot if you are the proud owner of shares in RBS at the moment, it is in fact a fuckofalot.

Media outlets have blamed the rise on the downturn in the economy, even though most people agree that the average knife wielder was unaware of the fiscal downturn until, at the very earliest, October.

Jacqui Smith denied that there was in inevitable link between the failing economy, and the increase in knife crimes.

“Seriously, no but seriously? Do you really think that? asked Smith seemingly irrationally angered by the question, “Most of these shitbags haven’t even learnt how to read because we had to sell all the school books on Ebay so we could bail out Northern Rock, do you really think the average robber is concerned by the falling rate of inflation or reduced house prices, don’t be a dick and ask me a real question?

In a violent turn of events Smith is then reported to have pulled a eleven inch blade from the belt of her pant-suit while screaming “Give us ya fucking money ya cunts, i needs it for the fucking economy.” She is then said to have forced everyone around her to ‘jump up and down’ so as to reveal whether they were hiding any change before using her own phone to contact everyone in the room (most of whom were friends, colleagues, and journalists known to her) to root out anyone concealing a mobile.

Shadow home secretary Chris Gayling began detailing the failure of the Labour government in tackling crime saying “The Home Secretary clearly has no idea how to deal with this credit crunch crime wave,” before Smith stormed in wielding her machete and shouting “blaaaaaaad do you wanna die.”

Smith is then said to have made Gaylings get on his knees and sing the theme tune to Neighbours