For centuries orthodox opinion led us all to believe that the world was flat. For even longer, this same school of thought had us thinking that us Brits were, well… British. Wrong. With the stroke of a pen by an arctic-blonde man sat somewhere in the Czech Republic, our darkest fears were confirmed – we’re European after all.  

In response to the signing of the hotly-disputed Lisbon Treaty, (a constitution for Europe of sorts) David Cameron, staunch Euro-sceptic and Easter-egg-faced leader of the Conservative Party, has launched a scathing attack on our mainland cousins. On the twentieth anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, Cameron has invited the wrath of his soon-to-be peers by threatening to collect the rubble which fell on that historic day, from every opportunist souvenir shop, collector and politically-interested museum across the continent, and rebuild it brick-by-brick along the tops of the infamous white cliffs of Dover, in Kent.

Invoking the words of Sir Winston Churchill, who famously defended our small redundant little isle against the Nazi menace in the second World War, Cameron launched the rallying cry: “We will fight them on the benches (of the European Parliament), we will fight them in the fields and in the streets (of Brussels); we shall never surrender.”

To coincide with his ‘Bricks and Mortar Curtain’ speech, the boy Dave has assembled a legion of scientists, cartographers and a crack team of GSCE science teachers from a number of state comprehensive schools, to dispel the notion that we are European, thus granting us veto on every law and policy passed by the bureaucratic body. The foundation of this ‘splendid isolationist’ argument is reported to be based upon the mass of water that sits between France and ourselves.

Meanwhile, pro-European sentiment remains scarce in the UK. The few braves souls that rear their heads only manage to make faint rumblings about the joy that the European superstate would bring through the medium of siestas after lunch, croissants for breakfast and a little sunshine beyond 1:15 in the afternoon.

However on the upside, the threat of the European menace has managed to unite British politicians across party lines.  A Labour-Conservative-Liberal-Democrat-BNP-Cornish-Independence alliance are now advocating that every man, woman and child in the UK sports a black armband to mourn the signing of the Treaty. “Wear you heart on your sleeve and your loathing of the EU on the outside of you new, waxy Barbour jacket,” commented a faceless politician from the alliance.