“Bike gang culture has marred what has been an otherwise splendid Tour de France,” were the damning words from cycling legend and five times Tour winner Eddy Merckx this morning. After years of battling to keep it under control, the Tour’s organisers conceded that in 2010 the urban gangs of cycling’s underbelly have finally pedaled their way to infamy.

This year, the Tour’s audiences have witnessed incidents of headbutting, riders sabotaging each others chains, and the occasional throwing of petty insults regarding the size of rider’s hats. And in doing so, the cyclists responsible have succeeded in dragging the good name of the sport into disrepute.

Long gone are the days when competing riders would share water with one another and even offer a struggling rival the rest bite of a lift on their handlebars during tough mountain stages. “It’s an absolutely, ‘ow you say, travesty. This sort of behaviour may well be perfectly acceptable on a bicycle polo court in East London, but there is certainly no place for it in the world’s toughest bicycle race,” commented Tour Technical Director Jean-Francois Pescheux.

Many riders have expressed their displeasure at the Tour’s swift decent into an arena for underhand practices. A mild-mannered Lance Armstrong, most likely bitter at his own poor showing in this year’s Tour commented: “cycling is a non-violent sport pursued by gentlemen born with the extraordinary gift of house-sized calves. While we may well consider drug doping, blood transfusions and sniffing vitamins between stages part of the culture of the sport, I could never condone the current violent behaviour that seems to be associated with the wearing of tiny hats with ridiculously small peaks.”

It is suggested that a number of riders on the pro circuit lead double lives and ride for fixie gangs when not competing on the world stage. And it is in such gangs that they learn their trade. Fixie gangs are notorious for terrorising locals with needlessly-hipster track stands at traffic lights, circling in the same spot, braking gratuitously, offending onlookers with their child-sized hats and for causing general offence to pedestrians by advocating the use of girly bags – otherwise known as musettes – to transport their belongings.

Upon closer inspection, the plot thickens ever further: Fixerati, the unofficial governing body of fixie gang community, is thought to have members competing in this year’s Tour. Gang members are thought to be competing as ghost riders, pretending to take headwinds for their team leaders while in truth they are doing their best act nonchalant in their quest to attack their opponents by whatever means possible.

Churches across England enjoyed record attendances this morning ahead of today’s Englands game against Germany in the World Cup. Football fans gathered in their thousands at their local parish churches to pray, to an authority higher than FIFA, that England’s perennial underachievers beat those German non-believers in the Free State stadium in South Africa. “We’ve had a better turnout today than at Christmas Mass and Palm Sunday put together. God bless the World Cup,” commented Rev. Thomas Pickering of Godalming parish church, in Surrey.

Despite the odd Hillsborough-esque crowd surges outside some churches, most dioceses had anticipated the upswing in attendance following the announcement of the fixture and had made the necessary arrangements accordingly. “We screwed down the pews, so nobody could pick them up and throw them around, and we got in a few more boxes of cheap red wine for the blessing too,” commented Rev. Roland Stevens of Braiseworth parish church in Suffolk. “To lift people’s spirits, we even stuck renditions of ‘Land of hope and glory’, and ‘There were ten German bombers in the air’ onto the hymn sheet for this week’s service,” added Rev. Stevens with a cheerful smile.

It seems that the fixture may have even inspired a whole new generation of christian hoards. One first time church go-er told Cultsha before a service at St Pancras parish church in North London: “When I’m done with this God nonsense, I’m gonna swing via Morrisons and pick me up a 24 pack of Carling, a white, plastic picnic table and a cheap hoover. Then before the game starts I’m gonna whack the vaccuum into turbo mode to replicate the sound of the vuvuzelas, and start smashing the new garden furniture over my chidren.’

While the link in England between football and religion has always been tenuous at best, in many Latin countries this is not the case. While England’s footballers see China Whites as their church and pray not to the almighty, but upon young girls, footballers from the Latin world are often deeply religious figures and are eternally thankful for the gift God has given them. ”The only time religion and football crossed paths in the English game it ended in disaster, with former England manager Glenn Hoddle telling disabilists that they ‘had it coming’ for being Arsenal supporters in a past life,” commented Harry Redknapp.

England supporters have voiced their discontent with the national football team this weekend by announcing that they know stuff about things, and would like to share this subjective knowledge with you through the medium of shouting.

After the dire performance against Algeria on Friday, England fans, convinced of their individually superior footballing knowledge, have taken to voicing their opinions about Fabio Capello’s tactical ineptitude to anyone with ears.

Using loud voices and patio furniture related violence as the means for communicating their message, supporters have spent the weekend expressing their befuddlement at Capello’s continued use of a 4-4-2 system that “seems to have been developed simply to confuse the English players.”

Fan, and self-pronounced expert Ian Matthews explained, “The standard 4-4-2 system is outdated and perplexing for the players who are used following only the most basic instructions of ‘run’ and ‘kick ball with foot.’ Capello’s complex instructions involving overlapping wingbacks, roving playmakers and holding midfielders are simply way over the players’ heads. They can barely fathom why they are being managed by a man wearing glasses.”

Matthew’s assertions are backed by recent reports that suggest Aaron Lennon has been seen in games sporting a drawing on his arm showing a very small stick man and a long arrow pointing down the right side of a pitch. It is claimed that he had Jermaine Defoe design the makeshift tatoo because he is terrified of forgetting where he plays.

Throughout the weekend, messages on internet forums have denounced Capello’s handling of the team with members of the public detailing how friends of friends who are “close to the team,” have told them that the players were on the verge of striking because David James refuses to let anyone else play on the Playstation.

Many supporters who travelled to South Africa have complained that the players do not respect their commitment as fans and that the expensive trip has been wasted on an England team who don’t care about wearing the shirt.

Will Townsend, a journalist who has followed the England camp since the beginning of the tournament gave a rational assessment of the situation; “Having travelled out to South Africa, completely of their own choosing based on nothing but a vaguely optimistic qualifying campaign, you can understand how the fans might be incredibly angry at themselves for wasting the trip. It’s only reasonable at this point that we allow them to get two thousand quids worth of hyperbolic ranting off their chest and possibly provide them with a square where they can throw white plastic chairs at each other.”

The English public has revealed this week that it is fairly sure the England Manager, Fabio Capello, knows nothing about football.

The nation explained it has decided, on the back of England completely unacceptable draw against the USA, that the Italian’s exemplary management record is some kind of irrelevant fiction and that Capello clearly cannot speak English.

England supporter and banger of drums, Mike ‘Indigenous’ Smith explained; “The draw against the USA is probably down to the fact that he’s Italian, talks about lasagne all day and can’t be understood when he tries to convince the players to not be terrible at football.”

Daily Mail reporter Dan Matthews elaborated on the change in the nation’s attitude; “the English public are a reasonable bunch, but if you can’t smash twelve goals past every other team, while playing attractive football and definitely leaving Heskey on the bench, there are going to be questions asked of your coaching style.”

Despite Capello’s management history in which he has won the domestic league title with every club he has coached, as well as the Champions League with AC Milan, the English public is now convinced that his decisions will be to blame for England’s eventual downfall rather than an obvious lack of English players able to control, pass and shoot a football.

The backlash against the Italian gathered steam as the English were held to a draw by a resilient American team leaving them having to gain points off Algeria and Slovakia to qualify for the next round. The slow start has led to chorus of dissent from English fans who are now convinced that Capello is “no better than a foreign Steve McClaren, Graham Taylor crossbreed.”

One fan told Cultsha, “If we don’t put at least eight past Algeria, keep a clean sheet, and simultaneously qualify for the knockout stage on only four points then his decision to bring Ledley King will be completely unjustified.”

The press have begun making suggestions for Capello’s replacement on the back of their pessimistic prediction of a round-of-16 exit. Several newspapers have pointed to Sam Allardyce as a possible replacement. Journalist Pete Townsend explained, “This continental, pass-the-ball-to-feet nonsense has gone on for long enough. What we need is to get back to hoofing the ball up the field, waiting till our fans set the stadium on fire and losing by abandonment. That way we retain our honour and have the chance to see some Germans get their heads kicked in”

Fabio Capello has reacted angrily to intrusive photo reporting from the English media by threatening to loose Wayne Rooney on paparazzi at England’s training camp in Rustenburg.

According to reports, Capello became involved in an angry confrontation with photographers whom he accused of attempting to take pictures through the window of the player’s dressing rooms. Capello is said to have snapped at the photographers, questioning why it was necessary for them to take photos of private rooms. After his request to stop was ignored, Capello announced that he was “going to fetch Wayne.”

Capello then reappeared several minutes later with a snarling, rabid-looking Rooney on a short metal leash. Allowing Wayne to charge at the paparazzi, Capello exclaimed that the striker “hasn’t had his breakfast yet.” The clearly hungry-looking Rooney became agitated as photographers continued taking pictures, and began angrily chanting “Frosties” over and over again while making menacing biting actions toward the media pack.

In an attempt to pacify Rooney, who appeared to be dangerously out-of-control, Capello began whispering “Ballon D’Or” in his ear, and feeding him raisins.

Sun photographer Mike Landley described the chaos, “Rooney got very close to me and he just kept shouting about Tony the Tiger and looking at me as if he was going to devour my camera. I kicked out at him and he screamed that he was going to tear my metatarsals in half and eat my children. It certainly got Capello’s point across.”

After putting Rooney way Capello came back and reportedly told the still-weary scrum of photographers that next time he would “tell Wayne that Colleen was home alone with John Terry,” before releasing him.

Organisers of the 2010 Fifa World Cup said today they are thrilled at the prospect of on-field chaos caused by the unpredictable new Jalubani football.

The new ball, designed by Adidas, has been widely condemened by players and managers alike for its unexpected ability to swerve, dip and completely change direction during World Cup warm-up games. While the criticism of a new ball by goalkeepers is not uncommon, the Jalubani has also come under attack from Denmark head coach Morten Olsen who said it behaved like a “remote-controlled hard-boiled egg being piloted by an obstinate Germany-supporting four year old.”

France goalkeeper Hugo Lloris has suggested the ball swings “more than Ashley Cole on a Saturday night,” and appears to have something heavy rattling around inside. “Kicking it is like hitting a jelly filled balloon,” said LLoris, “It moves around in the air completely irrespective of the natural laws of physics.”

The manufacturers claim that the Jabulani is the “roundest ball ever produced” and will produce the most exciting tournament to date because of the painstaking process that went into the design.

“Following an extensive period of testing at Loughborough University we found that football audiences love goalkeepers looking like a bunch of handflapping twats,” said an Adidas spokesperson, “so what we did was take the best aspects of the beach ball and then made the ball slightly less weighty so that hopefully we all get a good laugh at the expense of these players’ careers.”

FIFA has responded to criticism of the ball by saying they are very pleased with the new design. “We are hoping for a record number of gaffs so that we can cash in on a compilation after the tournament,” said Sepp Blatter, “We are hoping to extend the usual ‘Top 5 David James Clangers’ to a ten minute clusterfuck of ineptitude. Fantastic.

Aston Villa forward Emile Heskey has lost out on a place in England’s World Cup squad after being replaced with a cardboard cut-out of Aston Villa forward Emile Heskey.

“Emile was very unlucky,” said coach Fabio Capello, as he named the 23 players who will travel to the tournament in South Africa later this month. “All the players appreciate what he has done in helping Enlgand to qualify, however I eventually came to the difficult conclusion that the job Emile does can be carried out just as well by a cardboard cut-out of Emile.”

Heskey was a regular starter during a qualifying campaign in which England finished top of their group. Strike partner Wayne Rooney has scored nine goals in 10 games for England when playing with him. However, Capello appears to have been persuaded by critics that a 6ft-high photograph can sufficiently simulate Heskey’s mobility and his own goalscoring prowess while cutting down on food costs.

“It’s very exciting to have the chance to play with a cardboard cut-out of Emile,” said Rooney. “Emile did a great job in qualifying, but if you think about it, all his most important work – taking up advanced positions, holding the ball up, falling over in strong breezes – can be replicated by a sheet of cardboard with his picture on it.”

Worries that the cut-out will contribute no goals of its own have been assuaged by favourable comparisons with Heskey. His record of seven goals in 57 international appearances is worse than those of René Higuita and José Luis Chilavert, both goalkeepers.

It is thought Capello’s tactic of choice will be to place the cardboard cut-out of Heskey on or near the goal line for large portions of the game, thereby creating a better chance of scoring a goal than if Heskey himself were standing there.

“Obviously I’m very disappointed not to be on the plane,” said Heskey after the announcement, “but I wish my cardboard cut-out good luck. It’s also good to know that, even though I was beaten by an inanimate object, we were both still ahead of Darren Bent.”

Bookmakers have begun paying out for bets on the winners of football’s World Cup after analysts at JP Morgan put the result beyond doubt, calculating to a degree of mathematical certainty that the victors will be England.

Using a ‘quant’ model for calculating risk and probability, these so-called ‘Masters of the Universe’ have concluded that you would be an idiot not to invest your hopes, dreams and liquid assets in an England performance so dominant that opponents beg to be subjugated once more by the loving yoke of Empire.

“A bet on England is safe as houses,” said Matthew Burgess, who co-authored the paper predicting the team’s victory. “At the very least, it’s safe as houses purchased using sub-prime mortgages that are then packaged as collateralised debt obligations priced according to the same method used to make this prediction.

“Slovenia are also worth an each-way bet,” he added, “as we have them beating both Germany and Argentina to earn fourth place. With a strike-force featuring such world-class names as Milivoje Novakovič and Zlatko Dedič, who would be mad enough to bet against them?”

According to JP Morgan, England are predicted to take the trophy after winning penalty shoot-outs in the last three rounds of the competition, including in a Final victory over Spain. The analysts judged England to have the most potent combination of goalscoring and goalkeeping abilities of any of the teams – defined as the ‘Penalty Shoot-Out Metric’.

Spokesmen for Chris Waddle, Stuart Pearce, Gareth Southgate, Paul Ince, David Batty, Darius Vassel, Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, Jamie Carragher and David Beckham all pointed out, however, that methodologies used in the past to make similar predictions were shown to be sorely lacking a ‘Choke Metric’.

University rowing team chiefs are set to hold crisis talks this week after the sport came under a fresh wave of criticism following Saturday’s mundanely predictable annual boat race between University stalwart teams Oxford and Cambridge. In the most recent verbal assault upon the sport, some of the biggest names in Formula One sensationally told rowing fans not to bother watching future boat races if they were looking for any form of excitement. “Honestly, nobody has overtaken anybody else during a race in like the last twenty years,” commented former Formula One world champion Lewis Hamilton. “More-often-than-not, the highlight of an entire race is when a rower’s oar fails, allowing their competitors to pass without complication,” added a visibly disgruntled Hamilton.

Rowing, which was once a sport held in high esteem for the physical prowess and gentlemanly conduct of its competitors, has fallen upon hard times. Teams have begun pulling out of the championship series owing to lack of investment, fans are staying away, and worse still people have begun to start labeling the sport as making motor racing seem ‘actually quite exciting after all’.

Mindful of the growing tide of criticism, the sport’s governing body, the World Rowing Organisation (WRO), has made repeated attempts to make the sport appear ‘sexy’ to those without a degree in the Classics from Christ’s College. The WRO has invested billions building new rowing rivers in exotic overseas destinations such a Bahrain, Malaysia and Singapore in recent years, but to little or no avail. Even rule changes designed to make the sport more competitive, such as the introduction of multiple strategy pontoon stops and the allowing of weather dependent oar changes during races, have failed to stem the tirade of abuse.

Even graduates of Britain’s two most esteemed higher education establishments are starting to come around to the critics’ way of thinking. “For me the Boat Race use to be the pinnacle of the posting calendar”, commented one chap donning a cap with the words ‘I went to private school’ printed across the front. “I used to think the football World Cup was just piffle, and that the Olympics was a bit guff. But let’s face facts; rowing is no longer about well-sculpted bodies sculling their way to victory. It’s all about the technology now. Races are won and lost by the team captains calling the shots via a headset from back in the club house.”

Furthermore, rowing fans have started to become disenfranchised by their former heroes in the boat, who seem to have let their global statuses and pay grades go to their heads. “Rowers are self-involved playboys who have no idea about what is going on in the world, as they spend the majority of their time cooped up in massive ivory towers in far away tax-havens,” commented a smug looking Jenson Button, blissfully unaware of the irony of his last statement.

Having long departed from his position as a highly thought of football manager, Sven Goran Eriksson emerged this week as the mercenary captain of a band of pirates.

The news represents an innovative, yet not entirely surprising move on the part of the mysteriously alluring, money-driven Swede.

After losing his job at the helm of the Mexican national team in early 2009, having spent a year cashing cheques and chasing the well manicured ladies of the Ipanema, Eriksson more recently acted as the public face of Munto Finance, a company that somehow convinced the football world that pumping millions of pounds into Notts County represented a sound financial investment.

Now, however, it seems Eriksson has continued his desperate grab for easy money and exotic females by accepting an offer to captain a ship of men off the coast of West Africa. It is believed that the pirates have sailed without structured leadership up until this point, but are hoping that Eriksson will be able to lead them to success as they expand their plundering into the South African region of the continent.

In a statement released yesterday by his agent Eriksson stated that the pirates he had become involved with were of the”highest moral order” comparing them to previous associates Pini Zahavi and and Thaksin Shinawatra and saying that he looked forward to “manning the ship for a short while, accepting a disproportionate percentage of the looted booty and leading the men blindly into battle before abandoning them for the sake of quick squueze with a merchant port wench.”

Speaking to the press from his new ship, Eriksson explained his new choice of employment: “The pirates have simple wants. Money, sex, gold and to be involved in a highly suspicious activity that isn’t governed by the land-locked rules of the real world. John Terry will tell you that is basically the same as footballers.”