Former England footballer Paul Gascoigne has been named the UK’s ambassador to the UN, after driving all the way from Newcastle to ask for the job.

Gascoigne, known to millions as ‘Gazza’, turned up at UN headquarters in New York on Friday night claiming to be a friend of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. “Just let us talk ta him, and he’ll switch off the uranium centrifuges, I guarantee,” he told police manning the building entrance.

Though Gascoigne was prevented from passing through the security cordon, his efforts were praised by prime minister David Cameron, who immediately named him ambassador. The former midfielder, who played for Newcastle United, Tottenham Hotspur, Lazio and Glasgow Rangers, will also represent the UK on matters of war and peace at the UN Security Council.

“Gazza clearly has the necessary attributes to negotiate on the world stage,” said Cameron. “He is fully equipped with tact, diplomacy, a dressing gown, some chicken, a can of lager and a fishing rod – all the things necessary to hold our global counterparts back from the precipice, or as circumstances might require, from blowing their heads off with a shotgun.”

Gascoigne also claimed that he would be uniquely placed to persuade alleged war criminals, such as former Serbian general Ratko Mladic, to hand themselves in and face justice. “I knew Ratty when he were a bouncer and I played against Dinamo Zagreb. He were sound as a bell.

“Obviously he’s killed a couple of thousand people, which isn’t nice, but he must’ve been on some’t and now it’s worn off. We’d just go fishin’ and I’d be like, ‘Why aye, Ratty man, it’s Gazza. Look, yous might get a 12-year stretch for genocide but yous’ll be out in six.’”

Gascoigne comes to the role with an impressive list of global political contacts, and claims to have been “phone buddies” with the late Pope John Paul II.

He also has vast experience of involvement in sectarian conflicts, generally caused by his own actions. In 1998, he was forced to mediate between Protestants and Catholics at a Rangers v Celtic match, after he stoked tensions by impersonating Orange Order marchers during a goal celebration.

The dispute was resolved after Gascoigne drank 12 cans of Tennent’s lager and sang ‘Fog on the Tyne’ repeatedly until both sets of fans went home.

It’s official, the good times are over: Britain’s 13-year-long loan of a VHS copy of Titanic from a movie rental store in Twickenham has cost the country dear. In his Emergency Budget speech today, Chancellor George Osborne was left red-faced after opening the Budget briefcase to find only a £60bn bill from the bailiffs inside. Mr. Osborne informed the Commons that a copy of Kate Winslet’s seminal work, which was rented by the Labour government back in 1997 on an overnight-return policy, has left the country’s finances in tatters.

As a result of the UK government’s blatant disregard of Star Video’s strict returns policy, the bailiffs have been called in to collect the unpaid fine. Along with the contents of the Chancellor Budget briefcase, which Mr. Osborne claims included some small change and some back-of-a-fag-packet plans for the economy, a number of senior ministers have also seen their personal effects commandeered by the debt collectors. Such items include Prime Minister David Cameron’s bicycle, Major of London Boris Johnson’s secret-formula hair spray and Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg’s smile. All of the aforementioned items are expected to be returned to their owners upon full payment of the £60 billion deficit.

Mr. Osborne claims to have been in knowledge of the video club debt since the coalition took power at the start of May, but hadn’t expected it to have been quite so crippling. “The interest they’re charging on this rental is ridiculous. Nobody even watches VHS anymore anyway. This is ridiculous,” he commented.

Removing himself and his party from any blame for the brutal fiscal austerity us Britons are set to endure for the next half century, Mr. Osborne was quick to remind the Commons who was responsible. “The free-spending Labour government thought it was above late-fees.”

Mr. Osborne added, “Gordon knew about it all along. In fact, I have it on good faith that Gordon watched the film until the tape wore out while he was in office at Number 10.”

When questioned over his alleged role in the video rental, Mr. Brown, the former Prime Minister, didn’t hesitate to pass the buck to one-time friend Tony Blair. “The video tape’s not even mine. Tony must have forged my signature on the membership form when he signed up. Bastard.”

Offering us all a monetary comfort blanket of sorts, Mr. Osborne reminded the country that, “being European, we can always rely on our continental compatriots to make us feel better about ourselves via their own shortcomings.”

Indeed, Star Video has caught out a string of national governments this year who have violated the ‘clear for all to see on the case’ returns code. The Irish government is reported to have a copy of ‘The Commitments’ outstanding, while Spain is known to have forgotten to return its copy of a Penelope Cruz box set, and Italy is still showing a nightly-viewing of ‘Gladiator’ in the main square in Milan using their rented copy of the 2000 hit movie. Worst off, however, is Greece, who has come forward and admitted to having lost its copy of ‘Spartacus’ altogether. As the film is no longer sold on VHS, the Mediterranean nation’s repayment for the lost video is therefore expected to be ongoing until the video club decides otherwise.

Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg has announced plans to perform an ‘extreme makeover’ on British politics if his party achieve power in the election today. Although details on the policy are hazy, it is assumed the makeover will involve British politics receiving a complete transformation at the hands of a team of plastic surgeons, dietary technicians and style gurus.

After a traumatic amount of facial reconstruction, which will hopefully transform British politics’ expression from a wistful smirk into a permanent leer, she will then receive a tortuous amount of dental work, as her mouldy molars are replaced with a blindly bright set of prosthetic teeth.

Once her lips have been pumped so full of collagen it looks like two salmon are flirting around her mouth, she will then be subjected to the merciless attention of an army of hair and fashion stylists, under the command of fashion zealot and inexplicable cultural sensation Gok Wan. The asexual enigma described his philosophy as “all about the confidence. We’re going for less Queen Liz and more Queen Latifah. We’re going to make sure British politics is confident in her own skin, and by that I mean force her to get her baps out on national TV”.

British politics admitted to mixed emotions when she heard the news: ‘Initially I felt it was a bit of a back handed insult, volunteering me for an extreme makeover. I mean what’s wrong with me as I am? But then I realised that at the end of the day it’s a free tit job. I mean 65 years of a two party system has left me with breasts down to my knees’.

While Politics is busy being made over, Colin and Justin will be secretly ushered into the House of Commons with the aim of giving the bastion of British democracy a much needed ’60 minute makeover’. The tired combination of green leather and varnished wood is going to be ripped out and replaced with a tasteful ‘moon safari’ theme.  

Clegg defended the decision, saying “It’s time to drag British politics into the twenty first century. I think we can all admit that British politics is definitely looking its age, and the parliamentary system needs a shake-up…not to mention a bikini wax and an arse lift. It’s the only way that she might look attractive enough for the electorate to take an interest in her again. In fact I’ve got a semi just thinking about it…’.

With a slight interest in party politics, but failing to see the point of voting when you live in a constituency considered a ‘safe seat’, an estimated 46 million eligible voters have been asking themselves whether their vote would really be missed if they just threw their election polling card away.

“I’m sure nobody would notice. My single vote couldn’t have possibly changed anything anyway,” thought Exeter native James Dukes, echoing the exact same sentiment of Dagenham-area resident Vanessa McCafferty, new Canterbury inhabitant Beth Huxley, and Blackpool-based small business owner Dominic Barnes, as they tossed their unblemished polling card for the 2010 parliamentary election into an awaiting rubbish bin without a moment’s pause. “It’s just one vote. Plus the only reason I registered to vote in the first place is because I’m hoping that by doing so, it will increase my chances of getting called upon for jury duty and get me six weeks off work on holiday.”

“What’s the difference? Isn’t Tony Blair still running shit anyway,” added roughly one-thirteenth of the UK’s population. According to the ongoing inner monologue of millions upon millions of British citizens, while “it is a bit of a waste of the civil liberties that my grandfather fought for”, throwing away a ballot paper isn’t going to determine who will have the keys to number 10 come Friday afternoon. “Anyway, one discarded polling card can be forgiven, especially considering the guilt we’ve been carrying around for the past thirteen years for repeatedly voting Labour and keeping the’ Caledonian massive’ in office. After that debacle we just can’t be trusted. Perhaps this time around we should all just go along to the polling both and instead of ticking any boxes, we should all destroy the ballot paper by scribbling ‘Harry Redknapp’ all over it.”

In addition, pretty much the entire counties of Lincolnshire and Kent calmly reassured themselves on Wednesday that they definitely knew better than to do something like this, but admitted that nobody is perfect. At least they weren’t going around asking well dressed Scottish men in suits where all these Eastern Europeans were coming from, and what were they were going to do about them, in a overtly bigoted line of questioning, they thought to themselves.

All the inhabitants of the two counties agreed that the throwing away of voting slips, which would most likely result in a policy-crippling hung parliament, wasn’t the end of the world. “It’s not as if I don’t care, because I really, really do. It’s just that I’m thrilled about seeing a hung parliament grinding government to a halt. I’m excited about the subsequent capitulation in public services and how great it’ll be when Britain resembles a scene from the end of Akira,” commented Dawn Evans, a recent University of Sussex graduate and first time voter.

You stupid cunts, what have you done? That is the question being asked of the British public after opinion polls showed a massive surge of around 10 points in support of the Liberal Democrats’ election chances, on the back of Britain’s first ever televised prime ministerial debates.

It fell to the right-wing press to bring Britain back to its senses, publishing stories concerning not only Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg’s expenses irregularities and Nazism, but worst of all his heinous adolescent act of burning down Germany’s leading cactus collection. “Today your cacti, tomorrow your kids”, quipped every News International outlet.

Britain’s biggest-selling daily newspaper, the Sun, reminded voters that the Lib Dems have no realistic chance of winning the general election, with the slogan “Vote Clegg, get Brown”. Much better, they argued, to vote Cameron and get Murdoch.

Clegg attempted to shrug off the damning allegations during the second party leaders’ debate, broadcast on Sky News on Thursday. His hateful rant was thankfully cut off by moderator Adam Boulton, after boss Rupert Murdoch reminded the Sky political editor through his earpiece that Clegg might become radioactive if allowed to talk.

Regardless of the radical left-wing fascist Clegg’s demonstrably unhinged policies, his popularity has continued to rise in opinion polls. But those published by the Sun and Sky News, and conducted by YouGov (whose founder Stephan Shakespeare is now bravely fighting the so-called ‘Yellow Peril’ as owner of the ConservativeHome website), have heroically bucked the trend by tapping into “the silent majority’s unspoken and secret preference for Conservative leader David Cameron”.

YouGov survey questions such as “What scares you most about a Liberal Democrat government?” successfully reminded voters of their true beliefs.

There is a silver lining to Clegg’s insidious rise, as Labour prime minister Gordon Brown pointed out: “Thankfully, by pure luck, our electoral system has been designed to make sure that if the Lib Dems get the most votes and Labour get the fewest, we’ll still be the biggest party and they the smallest.

“It’s a good thing, too. We can’t leave decisions as important as who governs the country to anyone as thick as the voting public.”

The British National Party added considerable gusto to their hope of being taken seriously as a legitimate political party this weekend after a murderous coup was revealed

In a tale as old as time a member of the political party threatened to kill the BNP leader, Nick Griffin, after he was investigated for allegedly trying to overthrow the leadership. It has been suggested that while Griffin was never concerned for his life he felt the positive effects of being associated with an internal assassination plot would add to the political standing of the party.

Griffin is hoping the event will be the catalyst for the public perceiving the BNP for the familiar group of back-stabbing, self-interested, power-grabbing individuals of other political parties, and will help them gain new voters in this years expected general election.

Griffin told reporters yesterday, “While the accusation of one of my political party plotting my murder may not square entirely with my claim that the BNP is a non-violent organisation, may i point out that the very concept of internal assassination attempts is a recognized standard within political organizations, and that in reality represents the maturation of the BNP into a legitimate political party”

The party leader continued, “If you’re wondering why nothing ever gets done by the two main parties, it is because, in politics, literally everyone is running around secretly trying to kill everyone else.”

In a combative response to Chancellor Alistair Darling’s tax hike on cider, announced in the government’s latest budget, Britain’s seminal ‘Scrumpy and Western’ band The Wurzels have helped form a lobbyist front to protect the interest of students, unemployed graduates and rather queer-looking West country folk, alike.

A spokesyokel for The Wurzels told Cultsha, ‘this flagrant abuse of the individual civil liberties of the Great British cider drinker is utterly intolerable and nothing short of appalling. They are attacking the very fabric of this great institution; they are the cankerous worm inside the Great British apple. Granny Smith would turn in her grave if she could hear how these Cox plan to juice money out of our pockets. Oo-aarr.’

The Wurzels have already begun embarking upon their usual vigorous charm offensive. Busy campaigning in the cider stronghold of the West country, and with their dialectical quirkiness and catchy melodies, they are whipping up a storm of discontent and support in their leadership struggle. The group are reported to have likened their struggle to the war of independence in the former American colony and are calling for their U.S. counterparts, the moonshine-drinkers class that occupies New York’s post-prohibition underbelly, to join the struggle. The Wurzels are flying out to the U.S. next week to meet with Michael Bloomberg, incumbent Mayor of New York City, to ask for his support. ‘It’s only a matter of time until reverberations are felt in cider’s spiritual homeland, the Big Apple,’ commented the spokesyokel.

Back home, the number of voices in protest is multiplying. An already prevalent militant wing of the The Wurzels’ lobbying front are reportedly planning on heading to the streets of London this weekend to vent their anger at the government’s ‘flagrant abuse of power’. The group, who refer to themselves as the ‘In-Ciders’, is made up mostly of West country simple folk and unemployed graduates bored of filling out online job applications in the comfort of their parent’s middle-class homes, but this does not reflect in any manner upon the militia-like strength of their resolve.

Protests are expected across ever corner of our nation’s capital, as the crass masses clamor to the beat of cheap cider and combine harvesters for all. In response, the UK government’s Cabinet Office Briefing Room (COBR), a crisis response committee is forming to discuss and plan for the spat of anti-social behavior and riotous patio furniture throwing that will inevitably ensue.

Britain is going to be taken to Skegness for its summer holiday this year, and not to the south of France as was previously hoped, Alastair Darling admitted yesterday.

In his 2010 Budget announcement, the Chancellor said the fragile state of the British economy ruled out an expensive trip abroad for the third year in a row, although the budget could stretch to a few days in a reasonably priced Bed & Breakfast somewhere on the East coast.

Economics expert Ted Burllington stated “the slow recovery from the recession means that Britain has already had to cancel its Easter ski trip to the Alps, and news that it won’t even have a decent summer holiday to look forward to will be taken extremely badly. Normally the Chancellor would try and soothe any resentment by promising to buy Britain a 99 flake when they get to Skegness. However due to inflation these now cost about £1.40 and are simply too expensive, not to mention a blatant case of false advertisement”.

Britain is reported to be disgruntled by the idea of yet another holiday within its own borders, especially as it had already gone out and bought all its beach gear in the winter sales. It’s expected Britain will use the money saved from the holiday to spend an afternoon in a tanning salon giving itself third degree burns and exponentially increasing its chances of getting skin cancer, in a vain attempt to pretend to its mates that it went on a ‘real’ holiday.

Critics were quick to contrast Britain’s blighted holiday prospects with the stronger economies of France and Germany, who have both booked trips to the Maldives, where they plan to have a fling with a Latino pool attendant called Pablo.

Conservative leader David Cameron has stated that if his party gets into power they will organise a concerted campaign of banging their feet against the back of the driver’s seat and squabbling over the Nintendo DS until the Chancellor gives up and agrees to take Britain somewhere sunny with a decent-sized swimming pool.

Prime minister Gordon Brown and Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg both abandoned their parliamentary business abruptly on Monday in order to race home and impregnate their wives. Their hasty decisions followed news that Samantha Cameron, wife of Conservative leader David Cameron, is expecting a child in September.

Though the Camerons say the conception is not politically motivated, it is likely to help win over public sentiment during the election period. According to Labour strategists, Brown feels it is crucial to “close the baby gap” as soon as possible.

“As soon as Gordon heard the Camerons’ news, he immediately necked two blue pills, sprinted from the dispatch box and drove back to 10 Downing Street,” a source told Cultsha. Clegg, likewise, was spotted running through Westminster carrying a pack of scented candles, 12 red roses and an Enya CD.

A shopkeeper, who asked to remain anonymous, told Cutlsha that BNP leader Nick Griffin had entered his premises demanding to buy white chocolates. “I told him that we only had Milkybars or a selection of Belgian milk chocolates, and he said: ‘Ok, give me anything as long as it’s not dark. We can’t stand the dark ones.’”

Cameron, meanwhile, repudiated suggestions that his family’s announcement was timed to attract sympathy from voters.

“It is nonsense to suggest that there is anything political behind this wonderful news,” said Cameron. “However it might affect the election campaign, it remains a private matter for our family and is in no way a veiled statement that Britain needs to replace this old, impotent prime minister with a younger, more virile alternative.”

Barack Obama today hailed the inevitable adoption of healthcare reform within the United States, saying he was looking forward to a future in which the “welfare mentality led people to blame the State for their every woe.”

Obama, talking about the Congressional vote on Sunday where it is expected that the Democrats will use their majority position to force through the new healthcare bill, claimed that the reform would bring, “MRSA bacterial infections to every man, woman and child due to a lack of managerial responsibility resulting from the lack of normal fiscal conditions.”

The Democrats have spent decades trying to impose a healthcare system that they hope will lead to an ever-increasing budget defecit that will in turn have to be balanced through astronomical taxes on things like alcohol, cigarettes, balloons and anything anyone has ever enjoyed, and Sundays vote is expected to bring sucess.

Spokesperson for the Democratic party Chad Mosley told party members yesterday that the implementation of the new system would lead to a, “new world in which health care will no longer be a privalege but something you will probably spend so long on a waiting list trying to obtain that you will end up forking over for a private treatmeant anyway.”

Speaking at a university yesterday Obama told listeners that he had been inspired by stories from the NHS of pensioners frequently being left untreated in the hallways of piss-ridden, war-era hospitals.

“While i still expect to remain completely impervious to illness or injury due to my cybernetic make-up, i am looking forward to hundred of thousands of people bleeding and vomiting in cheap gossip magazine-strewn waiting rooms around the country.”