In a development of the type that makes one want to brush their teeth until they bleed to remove the dirty feeling of being British, a study to be published in the British Dental Journal has revealed that over 30,000 children are being admitted to hospital every year with dental problems.

Hospitalisation for dental problems is now a serious health issue, even though decay — or dental caries — could easily be prevented through regular brushing and check-ups, the researchers conclude. However consultation, with both children and their parents, has revealed that the task of teeth brushing is either disregarded or substituted for more important daily activities.

A youngster named in the report as Luke admitted that he didn’t feel that his teeth were vital to him; “Yeah, what, i used to like, bite dem brehs who got up in my bisniss, but dat was when i was a yute yeah, now i just use one of the knives from my extensive collection yeah. Teef are overated”

Luke’s mother Alexira, 20, suggested through her own toothless gums that she was powerless to stop the rot in her eight year old saying, “he’s old enough now that he has to make his own decisions. I have given him all of my teenage years. Anyways he can prolly just get some new ones on the NHS right?”

The study also revealed that the number of teeth being removed from youngsters mouths has risen by two thirds in less than a decade and that most common age for a child to have a tooth removed was five.

An dentist, who wished not to be named, claimed that the removal of the teeth was not in fact a health issue, but part of a broader plan to lessen the danger of the average child, “For a while there we thought we might have had a real chance against the evil of the youth. Pulling their teeth was really reducing random attacks against the rest of the population, but then they discovered knives, and it seems all our hard work has gone to waste.