Chris Brown yesterday publicly apologised for assaulting the ears of the world with his music. In a two-minute video on his website, the R&B star said he “thought it was time that you heard directly from me that I am sorry”.

Brown, a distubingly short lady-beater and sub-par dancer whose fame has baffled celebrity experts, said he was seeking help and wanted to live his life as a role model, saying: “I wish I had the chance to live those few moments again. Those moment when i thought, yes, the world needs to hear Chris Brown croon about his hypocritical adoration of women while i take my shirt off in a completely non-homoerotic fashion”.

Brown is said to have started to recognise the damage he has done to the music-listening public, on the night of last years Grammys. Having been forced to listen to real artists, none of whom, like Brown, have caused the death of listeners because of the appalingness of his music, Brown is said to have had a revalation. Brown is said to have pulled over while driving home, proclaimed his understanding of the physical harm he had caused the world, and then completely understandably smashed the face of the nearest female to mark the event.

In the video, the singer referred to his musical assaults as “horrific incidents” and said: “I am very sad and very ashamed of what I have done.”

In part of the video Chris Brown talked about growing up in a home where there was domestic musical violence.

“My ma used to rock a lot of Wham. Wham, day and night. That fucking ‘Wake, Me Up’ tune haunts me. I saw first hand what bad music like mine can do,” he said.

Acknowledging that he has “let a lot of people down” Brown told of how he has “done a lot of soul searching”.

“I have sought and am continuing to seek help to ensure that what has occurred over the past few years can never happen again, i want to make sure that world never has to suffer another ‘Kiss, Kiss’” he said.

Brown also promised to do “everything in my power to stop the continuing musical tyranny of T-Pain”