As the world continues on its downward spiralling course like a runaway mine train, human-kind has reverted to the comfort of celebrity scandal in an attempt to blind themselves from their emptying cupboards and dwindling bank accounts.

This week, not once but twice, celebrities have stepped up to the proverbial plate and provided the masses with just the kind of distraction that are paid so well to provide. You see actors, musicians, socialistas, reality stars etc, are not there just for vacuous entertainment purposes but a part of a larger contingency plan to ease the population into the apocalypse. The antics of the moderately talented will be relied on more heavily over the coming months as Obama continues on his nuclear warpath, the banking sector continues to incinerate money, and David Beckham gives up on the promise of American soccer in favour of having his bum touched by Italians.

Last week saw Chris Brown put on a real show when he allegedly boxed around his apparent girlfriend Rihanna on route to the Grammys. Reports that he had consumed up to twelve pints of Stella Artois at the pre-game party have not been confirmed. Brown, young and naive as he is, knows the public love a good beating. The worlds penchant for naked men straddling each other in the Ultimate Fighting Championship as much as confirms this. So in a plan conceived between making videos of himself dancing in the rain, shirtless, Brown and Rihanna decided that the perfect antidote to the public’s perpetual hopelessness was for him to smash her face until it resembled that dude in Fight Club played by Jared Leto. While the couple have smartly kept the situation shrouded in mystery to feed the gossip hungry public’s need to speculate and judge, most media outlets have prematurely proclaimed Brown as guilty even though the facts are unclear. While Cultsha admires the bravado of this kind of journalism we would like to state here and now that we don’t have clue what happened so you’ll have to wait for the court to release the papers to be sure of anything. Or you could just grab a tabloid and assume like the rest of the world.

In an effort to add to the joy brought by the Brown and Rihanna incident, Joaquin Phoenix appeared on the David Letterman show last week sporting a fancy new beard. His new lookis said to have been inspired by that of his hip hop idol R.A. the Rugged Man, a white rapper signed to Jive records on the back of Eminem’s sucess who went on to do all kinds of awesome, crazy shit (a whole ‘nother story). Phoenix’s performance, while not as delightfully violent as that of Brown, did contain that rare treat that the people love so much. Namely the opportunity to watch another human-being literally unravel mentally in front of them. Last year we got Britney publicly shaving her head and flashing her baby birthing vag all over the shop to keep us warm during the winter and this time round we have Phoenix. Phoenix did his best to enthrall the masses by mumbling incoherently, making no effort to conceal that fact that he was on large quantities of drugs, and scratching his beard in a fashion that suggested that something had cultivated it. Oh how the audience laughed at his inability to construct anything more that monosyllabic answers to Letterman’s questions. While Phoenix stared out helplessly the crowd relished the deconstructing of what little dignity and self-esteem remained, howling like mad men baying for actor’s very soul. And while Cultsha found it a joy to encounter, we would like to say that we do not condone the direct mockery or bullying of another, particularly on a public stage, when the victim is so clearly ready to top himself. But you know, if you conscience can bear it, feel free.