A new report that Government officials claim to have absolutely nothing to do with, claims that working continuously until you die can help people avoid the onset of dementia.

Dementia, the result of the breakdown of cells in the brain, and a completely natural aging process that often manifests itself in old men pushing children, and shouting crude things at women young enough to be there grandaughters, is demonised in the finely timed report. The study suggests that to avoid ‘going completely mental and shitting yourself every day’ one should continue to work way past the average age of retirement, and definitely never claim a state pension.

The co-incidental timing of the report, when the Governmental pension funds are so far down the shitter they’re being recycled in your drinking water, has been disregarded by a spokesperson for the Labour party who simply stated that he would now be working till he was at least ninety so “i won’t ever get to a point where i consider cat food an acceptable meal.”