The British Medical Council has today apologised for misleading everyone about the impact of Swine Flu. In the biggest turnaround in rhetoric since Bill Clinton finally admitted getting sloppy dome from an accommodating White House intern, the BMC has stated categorically that it is ‘incredibly unlikely’ that we will all die from the pandemic that, until recently, they had claimed was the early calling card of the apocalypse.

The full statement follows:

The BMC offers the following apology, first and foremost, for causing such a panic, when, considering the state of affairs in the economic world, where we have recently lost the Arabian Disneyland of Dubai to the recession, we’re fairly sure everyone could have done without being told that they were likely to die horribly and en-mass, due to a flu pandemic that wasn’t really a pandemic.

The BMC would like to apologise for its bumbling of basic information, and the elevation of colour alerts that convinced people to hoard mass quantities of sweetcorn and sharp spades in preparation for the armageddon and subsequent cannibalistic world that we convinced everyone was inevitable. According to a recent study, it turns out, and we say this sheepishly and with regret for our previous panic shrieking statements that suggested killing sick people on sight was the only way anyone would survive, that Swine Flu is unlikely to do significant harm or cause widespread death. In fact, a couple of aspirin and good nights rest seems to work better than the previous recommendation that one should eat as much Tamiflu as one could get their hand on, and submerge themselves in a cold bath every four to eight minutes. This method has, in fact, been proven to be counter-productive, and may have been the cause of our initial misunderstanding of the effects of Swine Flu.

While we accept much of the blame for the fear, panic and the feeling of finality that led you to purchase a 64 inch HD plasma you couldn’t afford, the BMC would also like to point out that the British media, in their own special way, magnified the effect of our mis-judgement. It by no means helped the situation when the red-tops encouraged people to descend into Dante’s ninth circle of Hell in response to the outbreak. At no point did we suggest drinking the blood of babies or a 35% corporation tax would help stem the spread of the disease.

In conclusion we can now categorically state that Swine Flu is unlikely to bring the human race’s tenure on Earth to a premature end, unless of course the virus mutates, becomes airborne and starts killing Mexican children again, in which RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, THE HORSEMEN ARE UPON US.