Commentators have declared that the upcoming season will be a transitional one for the England rugby team – its seventh since the 2003 World Cup.

While some observers say that the squad has already completed its transition, namely from formidable world-beaters to retarded half-wits, die-hard loyalists cling to the hope that England will once again rise to the top of the world rankings.

There was little cause for hope in the opening two games of the 2009/10 season, however, with an 18-9 defeat to Australia and an unconvincing performance in a 16-9 win over Argentina.

“England would be the best team in the world,” said BBC commentator Brian Moore, “were it not for their lax defensive cover, poor ball handling skills, questionable tactical kicking, inability to break the gain line, unimaginative midfield play, failure to secure quick ball from rucks and general lack of aptitude in areas related to the game of rugby union. Other than that, their level of talent is second to none.”

He went on to add: “But this is definitely a rebuilding year.”

Yet the performance against Argentina seemed to be a step backwards. England showed little coherence in attack, repeatedly kicking the ball away out of hand.

Head coach Martin Johnson was confronted in the post-game press conference on the game plan employed so far this season. “I don’t think it needs to change,” he said.

“Sure, some would argue that success is built on drawing defenders infield with penetrative ball carrying by the forwards, thus creating space out wide for the backs to gain territory, but I think we’ll stick with the current strategy of trying to kick the ball as high into the air as possible and seeing where it lands.

“We’ll probably catch it at least 10% of the time, and once or twice a game, that will lead to three points. I like those odds.”

Rugby fan John Bull is trying hard to keep faith with the World Cup-winning former captain, and the team he has shaped: “There is talent in there somewhere. We just have to think of 2009/10 as an opportunity to bring in new players for 2011, which is bound to be our most successful transitional year yet. We might even come third in the Six Nations.

“I do worry that it has taken this long. We are still not beating the top teams and sometimes, I can’t help thinking that I’m not watching professional sportsmen at all, but a bunch of donkeys. It’s like supporting Audley Harrison, which, incidentally, I do.

“Also, why the fuck were they wearing purple?”