In what can only be described as a present-day reenactment of the British Empire’s brutalisation of  the Southern Hemisphere, England yesterday sought to establish a platform on which to retake power in Australia, by embarrassing the country’s favourite sons in a game of cricket.

After the final Ashes test in which Australia were dismantled in a similar manner to which the English went about culling natives in the 18th Century, Andrew Strauss, England Captain, exclaimed that he would be leading a charge to the old colony, where he hoped to re-establish the rule of the Queen, “and really shove it up those cocky sons-of-criminals arses.

Strauss went on to say “I’m hoping once i have retaken the land, enslaved the locals, and turned much of the country into one large prison for British kids who breach their ASBOs, i can then select Ricky Ponting for the England cricket team, seeing as he will then be a citizen, and never play him, but instead simply use him as the test model for new types of protective cricket boxes.”

Meanwhile Glenn McGrath, who predicted that England would lose the Ashes series 5-0, has reportedly been seeking asylum in Thailand after it was hinted that he would be made Strauss’ jester.

A spokesperson for the Andrew Strauss Red and White Armeeeeeeeee For the Re-Establishment of Colonial Rule (ASRWARCR) said about McGrath, “Well after his ridiculous prediction failed to come true, we assumed that it must have been one fantastic joke so we have made plans to employ him as a sort of over sized clown. He’ll be forced to sing and dance for Strauss, whilst coming up with similar jokes, that if they fail to amuse the England Captain/King of All Oceania as much as that about the whitewash, will result in him being hunted Mad Max style around the desert land in central Australia, before hopefully being killed by a child with a very sharp boomarang.”