Last week, nigh on 500 people in Mexico were infected with the H1N1 influenza virus (apparently Swine Flu was killing sausage sales). Tourists were evacuated, Cinco de Mayo was expected to be cancelled, schools closed, and the Mexican public were forced to roll their own burritos as restaurants were forced to shut down to quell the spread of the virus. This week however, the Mexican government is telling us, dos dedos mis amigos, everything’s cool.

The Mexican government, typically known for not being able to control its own army, allowing its country to become overrun with drug smugglers, doing nothing to tide to flood of illegals entering North America and, the greatest travesty of all, doing nothing to aid the expansion of the importation of Mexican food into Britain, has said this week that the flu is pretty much all gone, and everything should return to normal. A new tourism advertising campaign expected to roll out next week promoting the country, will use the tagline “Mexico: What the Fuck is Swine Flu?”

Based on very little evidence considering a virus such as H1N1 is capable of sitting dormant for many months before re-emerging, José Ángel Córdova, the Mexican Health Minister, said that infections appeared to have peaked between April 23 and 28. “The evolution of the epidemic is in its declining phase, the burrito stalls can re-open, someone get me a daddy donkey with extra green chilli, ayye ayye ayyyeeee,” he said. The number of confirmed cases in Mexico is 506 and the number of confirmed deaths is still 19.

The WHO has agreed that cases of the flu may have peaked in North America and Mexico, while refusing to admit that we may not all die by sometime next year. Referring to the nature of Spanish Flu which returned in the fall of 1918, having appeared and disappeared in the Spring of that year, and then proceeded to kill millions, the WHO has advised that we all remain inside, without breathing, for the forseeable future. They fail to mention that 100 years ago the world had almost no medical knowledge of viruses, very few medicines, and doctors got their certificates by cutting horses legs off for several years before graduating to dismembering humans.