It has been announced that Barack Obama, the soon-to-be-sworn-in President of the United States, is to close Guantanamo Bay on his first day in office. To mark the event a closing ceremony featuring music, celebrities, as well as a few surprises, is being planned.

The closure of the controversial prison is seen as essential for re-building the foreign perception of America as a bunch of finger-twisting, piss-in-your-bed bullies who regard the water board as something very different to OFWAT.

Guantanamo has been, for the last few years, the symbol of America’s desire to rid the world of all evil and fear, in an attempt to create a utopia powered by rainbows and dancing unicorns. However the new administration is said to have come to realise that, in fact, putting people in cages, making them wear black potato sacks on their heads, and vociferously forbidding them from seeking any form of normal justice was not the best way to go about their plan. Obama is said to be formulating an alternative plan involving giving terrorist treats in return for not killing and maiming

To mark the closing of Guantanamo Bay, the new administration are organising a huge concert. Obama himself is expected to appear and rumours have suggested that he may come dressed in the garb of the infamous crucifix terrorist made famous two years ago when a photo taken by guards at the prison was released worldwide. This is expected to be seen as a massive fuck you in the face of the Bush administration and its policies of using the facebook embarrassment technique against terror suspects.

Artists expected to perform on the night include the Bee Gees and Sting, as well as appearances by Jamie Oliver and Kiefer Sutherland. As one would expect they will perform in bright orange jumpsuits while the stage will glisten with blood stained barb wire. Terrific.