Harry Redknapp has come under suspicion of carrying out a massive conspiracy in the hope of breaking Tottenham Hotspur into the top four in the Premier League.

Redknapp, in cahoots with the Tottenham chairman Daniel Levy, is accused of attempting to purchase and then resell every player in the Premiership. According to reports, during the brief periods of time spent at Spurs, Redknapp befriends each one, becomes like a father figure, and creates an emotional bond that he then exploits to convince them to become undercover Tottenham players at other clubs.

The plan has apparently been slowly cultivated over the past few years. Martin Jol, with his cheeky fat face, and Dutch likeability, was the first in a series of managers Levy utilized to form manipulative attachments to young player with low self-esteem. It has been suggested that Tottenham’s policy of buying young players with potential was simply a cover up for the fact that they found young players to be much more susceptible to Jol’s faux-hugs and encouraging arse slaps.

Jol however is said to have threatened to blow the whistle after several Tottenham players were sold to top four clubs, which the Dutch-man suggested would be too obvious after they obviously failed to make the grade. Robbie Keane’s departure to Liverpool was said to have particularly impacted the relationship between Jol and Levy, after Jol explained that Keane’s adoration for Jol was so great that his “feet would shatter as soon as they hit the Anfield pitch.” A prediction that proved correct as Kean failed abysmally to make any significant impact at Liverpool

Jol soon left and his replacement, Juande Ramos, was brought in under the assumption that he would be easy to manipulate. However Ramos’ complete inability to communicate in any language, let alone English, led to breakdown in the planning process.

Redknapp then replaced Ramos and took over all aspects of the plan, buying and selling over sixty players since arriving last December. Statistics show that each squad in the Premiership now contains over seven former Tottenham players who may well be playing to every whim of Redknapp’s desires.

Stephen Carr’s ‘accidental’ slip in the Brimingham game on Saturday was seen as the latest in a long line former Totenham players gifting wins to Spurs in the hope of a fatherly embrace from Redknapp.

In a twist to the story it has also been suggested that other Premiership managers have attempted to play Levy and Redknapp at their own game, and that this may be how David Bentley ended up at the club, despite his ability to play football about as well as he grooms his hair.