The highest political office in Europe, the presidency of the European Council, has been given to Herman van Something, a Belgian, we think.

The newly installed president, currently the prime minister of his home country, presumably, was handed the role after it became clear that broad-based support was lacking for Britain’s favoured candidate, Tony Blair. Prime minister Gordon Brown is thought to have given up pushing Blair’s candidacy in return for the top European foreign policy job going to Baroness Cathy Ashton, who is British, we are told.

The appointments indicate a desire on the part of European leaders to restrict the prominence of the Council’s top members.

It appears to have been immediately effective. Told of the announcements, journalists in Brussels ran out of the room to file reports of the two new officials, only for many of them to run back in again seconds later to check their names.

It had been suggested that Britain’s David Miliband was a popular choice amongst politicians in Europe to take the foreign policy role, but Brown vetoed that possibility several weeks ago. Asked about the appointments, Miliband was magnanimous, saying: “This is a great day for Paddy Ashdown, and I wish him every success.”

We later corrected the foreign secretary, however the message appeared not to filter through to the general public, as several bodies were found with broken necks and letters of congratulation in their pockets outside the home of the former Liberal Democrat leader and SAS veteran Lord Ashdown.

Though Blair was originally the front-runner to win the job as the first president of Europe, his odds lengthened dramatically after an interview with Cultsha in which he was invited to break his silence on the prospect of leading an entire continent. Usually coy on the subject, he made what is perceived to be a faux pas when he said “Today Europe, tomorrow..the world!” before cackling maniacally for several minutes.

German chancellor Angela Merkel believes the EU was right to select a virtual unknown to the post, however. “We needed someone less glamorous who would not hog the limelight,” she was overheard saying.

“Also, Herman van Whatshisface will cost us much less in security, as the snipers won’t know who to aim at.”