Lily Allen has today demanded control of all personal usage of the Internet after claiming that most users are spending far too much time utilising the web productively when they should be on her Twitter page listening to her incontinent ramblings on subjects in which she is entirely unqualified.

Allen suggested that the “freedom of the Internet should be limited to me and me alone,” saying that the Internet was a mess of people who “aren’t my friends on MySpace, don’t buy my music on iTunes, and generally don’t like me.”

Amidst suggestions that illegal downloading was damaging the British music industry (a claim completely unsubstantiated by recent statistics) the media darling continued on her ill-educated tirade by claiming that it would be best if she took full control over the Internet.

Allen went on to outline the single rule of her plan:

• Sharing of anything except Lily Allen’s opinions on some poor fat girl less idolised by the current media is to be banned.

The head bloated singer continued by suggesting that those caught illegally sharing music file could face public patronisation at her own hands where she would write a song in which she would suggest the individuals were inferior to her inflated perception of herself, against the background of a dull yet melodic tone.