This man is having sex with your money

Having perpetrated the largest individual fraud in history, Bernard Madoff is this week expected to apply for his firm Bernard L. Madoff Inverstment Securities LLC to be bailed out by the Federal Reserve. It is understood Madoff will apply to the Fed for use of the emergency fund set-up to bail out banks in the United States.

Madoff will plead to the commission, set up to decide how to waste the emergency fund, that he has a responsibility to those who invested with him

“Some of these people have already had to stop taking their personal helicopters to the shop on the corner” said Madoff on the steps of his personal helicopter, “and i don’t want to be the person who leaves them unable to buy their family an island this Christmas”

Madoff added “Really when you look at the big picture fifty billion over four decades is only about twelve quid a day. No one gets in trouble for stealing twelve quid and seeing as we’re just printing money anyways they might as well help me out of a tight spot”

Nicola Horlick, famous for being fat and rich at the same time, who lost millions of dollars when the fraud was revealed has said that if the Fed doesn’t rescue Madoffs firm that she will “crush their banking system while at the same time being a single parent just like every other single parent in the world. You know because i’m special. Now put my fat face in the paper for having a child and a job.”

If given the loan Madoff is expected to pay-off initial investors while encouraging new ones whose money he will then use to pay-off more recent investors in a cycle that will result in most of the money disappearing into the ether.

Madoff said “To be fair if i hadn’t had lost all this money then the Fed wouldn’t have been able to print all this new stuff without destroying the value of the dollar. It’s a bullshit system but that’s economics.”

“I am well sorry” added Madoff finally before laughing heartily and wiping his nose with a hundred dollar bill