Is some joker just hiding all the money so he can have sex with it?

I know what your thinking. Sounds serious. Is Cultsha broadening its scope and entering the field of mainstream investigative journalism. Yes is the answer. And the answers isn’t what i got.

RBS announced this morning that the bank’s expected losses for 2008 are to be the largest ever for a UK business. The banks losses are expected to exceed even those of Vodafone who in 2006 lost £15bn. Vodafone at the time explained the loss to it’s shareholders by claiming they had been attempting to buy up the ‘air’ in the UK so that they could monopolise the space in which mobile signals could travel, and therefore stifle the connectivity of the other mobile networks.

Though Vodafone was able to display a certificate showing that they owned £15bn worth of air the deal was revealed to be a scam. A spokesperson for Vodafone said at the time, “Yeah, but look at it, it’s got a hologram and everything.” The certificate, however, was revealed to be nothing but a novelty item meant as a worthless Christmas present given by those with a considerable lack of imagination. The company selling the ‘air’ known as ‘MoonPlots Ltd’ responded to media suggestions that they had stolen Vodafone’s £15bn by saying ”There isn’t a limit on how much ‘air’ you want to buy. They still got the fucking hologram didn’t they?”

The RBS loss, however, is not so simple and it follows a recent trend for banks, businesses, hedge funds, theme parks, average middle classers as well as stock markets and houses to announce that they have ‘lost’ considerable amounts of money. But if they are losing all their money surely someone’s getting it, right? Now i’m not claiming to know much about this whole economic collapse/turndown/tornado of doom that encircles us currently. I like everyone else in the whole world have no idea how it happened nor how to fix it. What i do know however is that if i lose my weekly blogging wage of £12.50, i know that some skank has prolly gone and nicked it off me. Yes, you follow. A. loses money then B. has to gain money. It’s science and that’s that.

So the obvious answer is that that fucker Madoff took it. True maybe he did. But he’s lost it too. In some kind of hilariously ironic twist it appears that while he was stealing all this cash he was slowly losing it all to some mysterious force described normally as ‘the markets.’ So once in the markets where does the money then go. Who knows really! It gets short sold, and futured and goes up and down in zig zags, and people buy it and sell it and then eventually at the end we have less than what we had at the beginning. It’s like the opposite of whisking egg whites.

But there must be something more simple. Furrow your brow for a second as i’m told this directly correlates with deep thought. Who is the Fagin character is this story of of orphaned bankers and oatmeal biscuits? The terrorists? Bernie Ecclestone? Alistair Darling and his eyebrows of fate? Peaches fucking Geldof? Well maybe but i haven’t a clue!

Where’s the fucking money? No-one seems to care that much. They just want to tell you it’s gone. If anyone knows you can tell me underneath. Or not