The Met Office has issued a Level 2 health warning today as the sun threatens to make an appearence on British soil. As temperatures are expected to exceed 30C, the British population has been warned to stay inside or risk sunburn, heatstroke and spontaneous combustion.

The Met office has warned that temperatures may rise up to 34c in London this week at which point it has been suggested that the Thames may evaporate. Guide lines advise that people drink water until they have continuous stream of H2O entering one end and urine leaving the other, so as to stop themselves from turning to dust. Due to the hot night temperature the Met Office has also suggested people try to sleep in a bath of cold water.

A spokesperson for the Met Office told us today that they are preparing hospitals for an influx of people on fire amongst other ailments.

“The British genetic make-up is not able to deal with more than 12-14 minutes of hazy sunshine a day. After that the body starts to react in many different ways. First the pale skin burns. Then all the water in the body is lost to profuse sweating. Soon after the skin begins to crumble into dust. And then finally the person spontaneously combusts.”

Meanwhile doctors have retracted statements from last week that suggested fake tanning could cause cancer. Jim Reid of the British Health Council said “That was all a mix up. If you want a tan, get under that bed, whack it up to full and let me see those panda eyes. What ever you do, do not attempt to tan directly under the sun unless you wish to spend the next nine months having the skin from a pigs arse grafted onto your body.”