Saturday, July 4th, marks the 233rd annual – and final – festival of wicked awesome WalMart-sponsored independence for the Yankees.

However, by this time next year America is set to be nothing more than a British colonial outpost once again – as scores of U.K.-homeland-adopting Polish migrants have been signed up to pilot rather large alien-like ships, to help take back the empire for us. You read it here first.

All them years ago in 1776, Thomas Jefferson penned the soon-to-be defunct ‘Declaration of Independence’, a document which removed those dwelling in the American colonies from under the imperial yoke of Her Majesty the Queen.

They say that it is the winners that write history; and so the true story from an objective point of view is seldom told. Let us take this opportunity to readjust this balance for you.

So, this one time there were a bunch of British people who were perfectly happy to pay taxes; and then there was this other bunch of British people who weren’t. In the modern day the latter group would often be referred to as ‘bums’, ‘freeloaders’, or ‘gentle granola-loving types’. Anyway, the tax-dodging British miscreants, tipped all the tea in the harbour, had Mel Gibson on their side, and somehow won their independence. Said group of tax-dodging Britons then rather-semantically classified themselves as ‘Americans’. How. Very. Fickle.

Unbeknown to most, the plan to take back the former colonial outpost has been in the making for the best part of 50 years. The British celebrity circuit circus that have been travelling to and from the U.S. during this time have actually, and oh-so covertly, been operating as spys. “David Beckham is not only the world’s greatest clandestine device, but also the cutest,” commented an unwilling-to-be-named Mi5 source, close to the matter.

For those of you who believe that John Lennon, man and Beatle, was shot by a homo-erotic, adorning fan: you’re wrong. Archives reveal that his death was – and I quote – “A bungled spy op that we just had to pull the plug on. He was about to blow the whistle on the whole thing.”

There was a time when it was said that ‘the sun never sets on the British empire’. But now, in the winter months, it drops down below the horizon at around 3:26p.m. GMT. We simply can’t be having this anymore.

Some months ago, in preparation for success, the incumbent Labour government assembled a crack squad of Great Britons to draft a new ruling, colonial document.

The list included: Oliver Cromwell, Great Briton and founder of schools; “Dappy” from N-Dubz, Great Briton and U.K-HipHop person; Sir Walter Raleigh, Great Briton and sailor of boats; and Ian Hislop, Great Briton and ugly pug-faced editor of Private Eye magazine.

So, here it is. First viewing of the newly drafted ‘Declaration of Dependence’, to be signed by soon-to-be-subject of the British empire, Barack Obama.

“Freedom isn’t free
It costs folks like you and me
And if we don’t all chip in
We’ll never pay that bill
Freedom isn’t free
No, there’s a hefty fuckin’ fee.
And if you don’t throw in your five shilling and ha’penny bit
Who will?

Britain, FUCK YEAH!
Coming again, to colonise the motherfucking globe yeah
Britain, FUCK YEAH!
Imperialism is the only way yeah,
Americans your game is through cause now you have to answer to
The Queen, FUCK YEAH!
So lick on my crown, and suck on my taxes,
Britain, FUCK YEAH!

Chaucer, FUCK YEAH!
Top Gear, FUCK YEAH!
Queuing, FUCK YEAH!
Robin Hood, FUCK YEAH!
Bunting, FUCK YEAH!
Church of England, FUCK YEAH!
Farmers’ Wives, FUCK YEAH!
BNP, FUCK YEAH!
Yorkshire Terriers, FUCK YEAH!
Dover, FUCK YEAH!
Teenage Pregnancy, Fuck Yeah?
The Wheel.”

And be sure of it, us limey tea-suckers will prevail. And when we do so, every day from this day forth will be like the last night of the Proms. We’ll all be wearing tuxedos, waving Union Jacks, living in West Hampstead, and listening to classical music on the loudspeakers of our Sony Eriksson mobile phones while sat on public transport – all while smiling smugly in the knowledge that ‘the land of the free; and home of the brave’ is now ‘the land of tea; and the home of the slaves’.

Now raises your glasses to the hard-labouring alien Polish migrant peoples, for righting our historical wrongs.