Thieves in the North of England, having been locked out of expensive footballer’s mansions who have hired expensive security firms to watch their houses, have turned to robbing the youth players of Premiership teams. The thieves are said to be targeting the child stars of elite teams such as Manchester United and Liverpool, as they view junior athletes as “rich, soft and fun to hit with a crowbar.”

This weekend Frederico Manchedo, the 17 year-old Italian Manchester United striker, was targeted by two men wearing balaclavas, who knocked on the front door of the unassuming teenager and unsubtly demanded “the fookghhging plasma.”

After stealing the youngsters hard electrical goods, the two men are said to have made Mancheda and his friends jump up and down to reveal loose change before making them get to their knees and sing the ‘Neighbours’ theme tune.

An unnamed source called Cultsha to claim responsibility screaming mostly incoherently down the phone about how they had “turghhgned that fookghhging Manc twaghhgt over,” and that Mancheda had “soongh like a fookghhging soft twaghht.”

When questioned as to the ethical nature of stealing from teenagers the thief said, “fookghhg offff. Wheggh i wagghs  seventeeen right, i had two kids, had dun fourghh stints in jail, was burgghhning out stolen carghhs like it was my day job and would have fookghhing twaghhgted anyone coont who tried to nick me plasma. Fookghhing Manc’s soft and thagghts thagght.