Recent news that Barack Obama has been flirting with extremist leaders from around the world, had been presumed to be an effort on the part of his administration to re-establish a sympathetic perception of America’s foreign policy. Turns out he was just picking up tips on how to dominate a people…

The dramatic defection of Republican Arlen Spector has allowed the Democrats to secure a 60-seat super-majority in the US Senate for the first time in a generation. For those who don’t fully understand what that means, from now on when Obama says jump, America fucking leaps.

The five-term Pennsylvania Senator announced at lunchtime after a brief conversation with President Obama that he will run for re-election next year as a Democrat because “the Republican Party has moved far to the right” and that “Obama said he would give me Hawaii.”

Obama is said to be preparing himself for some sort of royal crowning, and the public address on US television this Wednesday is rumoured to be the basis for his declaration of a sovereign state over which he shall be sole ruler.

Obama is said to have has secret Skype chats with North Korean leader Kim Jong-il who is said to have advised the American President that the key to tyranny is a large forehead and a sweet appellation such like ‘Dear Leader.’