Obama emergency substitute in case pre-mature arthritis strikes

Barack Obama, who will today be inaugurated as America 44th president, is expected to enter the Oval Office with an itchy trigger finger.

While, most of the hippies, left-wingers, coffee-drinking bloggers with non-prescription glasses, and naive high schoolers will tell you that Obama has a “face like an innocent child” with a “smile that makes orthodontists weep,” the truth of the matter is little beyond their tiny liberalised minds.

Obama stated this morning as he realised that there was no longer any way to stop him from taking up his position as leader of the universe that he had been working out his right index finger like a ’self-conscious teenager’ in preparation for all ‘them red country-exploding buttons.’

“I promised you change,” said the former Chicago senator, “We’ll change is coming, it’s phallic shaped and rhymes with pukular jaw bed”

In his inauguaration speech Obama is expected to reveal a 15 tentacled octopus of evil countries which he wishes to obliterate. He will add that his ADHD and propensity for pushing red shiny things that say ‘Do Not Push’ on them has nothing to do with his wish to “get his nuke on.”

“This isn’t Passenger 57 people,” shouted Obama during a heated press conference in which he rolled up his sleeves and showed off his muscular pushing finger, “Wesley Snipes is in jail for tax evasion. That’s Bush’s fault and so God help us, this is the only choice we have.”

He concluded by repeatedly shouting “HOPE” and “CHANGE” till everyone was quiet and then added “You ever play roulette? Well let me give you a little piece of advice: ALWAYS BET ON BLACK!”